Woke up after a good night's sleep and I'm STILL wiped out. No energy, can hardly think straight much less lift anything over a few pounds. What the heck? Is it Whole 30? Shouldn't be as I eat primarily paleo and not much sugar anyway. Is it emotional crap that I'm holding on to that I need to get off my chest? Is it from the 7 miles I ran on Sunday? I don't know but I want it to stop. I NEED my energy back. I need my mojo to workout to kick in. **sigh** It's SO hard for me to call an unscheduled rest day. It truly is. I'm deathly afraid of getting big again. Silly isn't it? Tomorrow is my track workout. We'll see how it goes! Today I rest and try to be productive in other ways. I did throw in a quick core/upper body workout in my home gym a little while ago. That was all I could muster the energy to do.
Been thinking a lot about depression since I heard the news that Robin Williams took his life. Been reading people posting about how selfish he is. It's so easy to sit and judge someone when you have no clue what they are dealing with. Some friends know my battle with depression..most don't. In my early 20's, I hit the darkest of dark places. Went as low as you can go. I was deafened and blinded by my sadness. I couldn't shake it no matter how I tried. I felt utterly alone though I had people who cared about me. I wanted the pain to end...so I tried to make that happen by taking a shit ton of sleeping pills. Am I proud of what I put my family through? No, not at all. Do I feel good as I'm typing this for you all to read? No, not one bit. I can hardly see through the tears at this very moment. I still remember the taste and texture of charcoal as I was forced to drink it to induce vomiting. I remember the ER nurse saying "drink this or its the tube down your throat". I can tell you for certain that puking/crapping charcoal out is NOT something you want to do. I still cringe inside when I see charcoal in general. In my late 20's I got hit with a big round again. I was crippled by the sadness. I was numb. I couldn't get out of bed. My partner at the time told me I was being dramatic..being needy..he was not helpful in the slightest. I NEED to share this with whomever might read it because I want you all to know that depression is real. It hurts! It stops you in your tracks and sucks out all the joy from your world. If you have a friend who is experiencing this, reach out to them. Talk to them. Try to visit with them. Don't push them to get out and "get into the world" though. Sometimes what they really need is the solace of their home/room/apartment/whatever and a friend to hold their hand while they try to find their way back to the light. If you haven't personally dealt with this, you might not get it. You might not know how much it truly hurts, how hard it is to deal with the daily routine and how hard it is to fight the good fight every damn day. You don't need to know...you just need to be there for them however you can. You might be able to save them from making a huge mistake.
Back later to post my Whole 30 recap for the day. Xoxoxo...
MMM
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