I've been in a funk friends. Down and out. Been full of self doubt, having anxiety attacks for no reason and just generally unhappy. In the beginning I thought it was related to my body image issues. I'm training hard, eating well (maybe too well) but feel like I'm getting fatter. I feel disgusting. It's frustrating. I want to live like a happy, fit lady who doesn't have to follow some restrictive diet to look good. I guess that's too much to ask. Anyway, that's another rant.
In the past few days I've sunken deeper into the tar pit of sadness. I cry for no reason, have zero energy and don't even want to be around anyone as it feels like it takes too much effort to pretend I'm happy when I'm not. A light bulb came on last night. My old blue buddy depression has his hooks in me again. I've been down this road before as you guys know from my old blog post. I don't want this for myself. I don't want this for my family. I know some people don't understand what depression feels like and I try to be respectful of that when they are saying "just snap out of it"...guess what though. It doesn't work that way. I can't just turn some switch off and make it stop. I KNOW my life is good. I KNOW my family loves me. I KNOW I'm healthy and blessed. I fucking KNOW all of these things but they don't make the heavy weight sitting on my chest go away! Things are better in our lives than they have been in a long time...I just can't escape the vortex of sadness that keeps sucking me down.
I apologize to my friends who probably think I'm neglecting them. I'm not. I just have nothing to give you guys right now. I'm having a tough time keeping my head above water in my home life. My sadness has impacted my marriage. My husband is an amazing caring man but can you imagine how hopeless it must make him feel to know that there's nothing he can do to make me feel happy right now? It kills me to think my unhappiness is effecting him. I'm trying as hard as I can to shield Little Man from all this. He won't understand and he shouldn't have to.
I think it's time I stop trying to do this on my own and go speak with my dr about some antidepressants. There's no shame in knowing when you need help and in asking for it. I don't need feedback or pity from this post. I just needed to get this out before my chest explodes. Til next time...
