Taking A Big Step Back and The Future Game Plan

So. Here I sit..taking a forced rest day yet again. My body is wiped, my knee is jacked. I have pain from the knee cap all the way into my calf. I feel it when I walk. Haven't run since last Tuesday's boot camp. I was feeling really tight after my race last Sunday with some knee pain. Nothing new. I did a recovery run on Monday. Only 3 miles but I pushed the pace too much. Come Tuesday my right leg was already super duper sore. I went to boot camp anyway and pushed as best I could. By the end I was in hella pain. Ended up walking/limping home afterwards. By Tuesday night I couldn't cross my right leg in front of my left without crying out in pain. It hurt SO bad. I woke up Wednesday with a stomach bug AND a jacked leg. Think my body was asking for a break or what?

I took 3 days off from training. Stomach thing kicked my ass hardcore. Leg still hurt by the weekend but it wasn't bad. Saturday I went to the gym to lift. Even barbell push presses hurt my leg. Bad news huh? Sunday I rested again. Yesterday I wanted to run but my leg was still achy so I did a short bike ride then came home to work core. Today I wanted to lift but woke up so wiped out I can hardly move. I don't know what's going on! :( Trying to honor my body asking for rest but this sucks.

My half marathon is in less than 2 weeks. I KNOW I won't PR. Hell, at this point I'm hoping I complete it without having to walk. I've NEVER walked in a half and I don't intend to do it now. Fingers crossed a little more rest gives my leg time to heal. I really need to get in one more long run but I don't know if that'll happen or not. I may limp run the whole thing but damn it, I'm going to finish it regardless.

I've been thinking about my fitness level lately. I've taken a frustratingly big step backwards and I'm not sure what's going on. I've lost my mojo...my energy is poop and my body isn't strong like it was. Working out is my xanax and I'm feeling really depressed that I can't hit my workouts like I normally do. I feel like a failure. Silly I know but it's the honest truth. I feel like I'm letting myself down. Letting my friends down. I feel like not having the fight in me to push push push is a sign of weakness.

Distance running isn't my thing anymore. I said it after my last half and I knew it going in to this one. After November 8th, I'm keeping it to 10ks and 5ks...training runs less than 1 hour. I'm faster that way and I like it. I love trail running too so I'll try to incorporate more of that into my life.  My little bit of muscle gain I made has been eaten in to. Bye bye round squat booty. Bye bye little bit of ab definition. I feel jiggly and yucky. Nothing fits. My leg is jacked.

Yep...pretty sure body is telling me it's done. Back to hitting the iron hard and heavy.  I DO have a 15k in January but I"m not worried about training for that. As long as I keep my running up at least once a week, I'll be fine for that race. I also have a half in March. I may downgrade to the shorter distance...I'll gauge that come end of January. For now, it's time to get back to doing what makes ME feel good.

I have signed up to have my body fat % checked on November 13th. I'm pretty nervous and I KNOW I won't like the number I hear BUT it'll give me a REAL baseline of where my caloric needs should be. I've always had to guess and it's been too much trial/error for me personally. There's also a body fat shred boot camp at my gym starting up November 10th. I'm contemplating doing it. It's 5 days a week BUT I want to talk to the trainer running it about my goals (gain lean muscle mass) and see if it's really for me or not.

So, that's where I'm at right now guys. Busted up, frustrated but at least I have a game plan for next month! I'll be turning 41 soon and I plan on kicking middle age's saggy ass. ;) Keep on keeping on peeps. Do what makes YOU happy.

Tarantula 10k Recap

This morning I ran another 10k trail race hosted by Brazen. I didn't feel like I was well fueled (damn you Friday wine tasting and not stellar food choices) and I woke up with an icky belly (thanks dried mangoes). I woke up around 530, got dressed, got my gear together, ate some yams with almond butter and drank a small glass of OJ, got the kid and hubby up, used the bathroom 27 times and we were off.

The race was located at Los Vaqueros Reservoir. Didn't take long to get there and in true Brazen fashion parking, bib pickup and the whole shebang was like a well oiled machine. The kiddo was doing a 100 yard dash called the Spider Scramble. He started at 7:35 am and ran his little butt off. He came in 4th overall and was tickled to get his own finisher medal. I think that boy of mine might be ready for a 5k again soon...a fast paced one. ;) 

Ran into my fellow running club buddy RC. He was doing the half which had some MEAN elevation. He was doubting his ability to do well too. Funny how we do that to ourselves. We watched the half folks take off and cheered them on their way. Then it was the 10k race time.

My group started at 815 am and was right on time. I got in the front of the line as usual and put my music on. I opted not to wear my heart rate monitor nor did I turn on my Strava running app. I just wanted to run with no pressure again. We started off and I have to be honest here, I struggled the ENTIRE 6.29 of this race. My legs were sore and my body was exhausted. I fought with the desire to walk more than I care to admit. 

Lots of men flew past. One female took the lead pretty quickly. She was 16 years old I think? Ahhh youth. Another female passed me but she burned herself out pretty quickly. I caught up on a hill and kept on going. We had several decent hills. NOTHING like my Drag-N-Fly race but today they felt even tougher. I walked a little but tried to run as much as I could even when I felt like I was running with stones tied to my feet! The total elevation for this race was 694.

I hit aid station 2 and saw my fellow running/workout enthusiast EB. Her smile and cheering me on helped perk me up when I was already flagging. I looked back a few times during the race and saw that one other lady wasn't too far behind me. The competitive side said "You'd better move your ass a little faster!" So I tried to.

I was so damn happy to see that finish line! Seriously. My official time was 58:19. I came in 20th out of all the runners (man, fast people), 1st in my age group and 2nd female overall. I was excited to get another age group medal AND I got a certificate for some free socks at the local running store. Whooo! I had a few other runner's club peeps running the various distances and I think we all placed. Way to represent y'all! 

Pros--
Well organized
Fun snacks
Free kids' run
Finisher medals
Age group medals
Top 3 finisher certificates
$5 tshirts from other Brazen races
Lots of bathrooms


Cons--
Not many GF options on the snack table besides fruit and chips (again, that's always the case though)

Sharing The Pain And Friendship

I know some folks are annoyed or sick of seeing the sadness posts on facebook. I'm sure one or two have even said some mean things about Sedi and him just being a cat. I understand. If we are not friends enough for you to share my feelings with then perhaps YOU should make the call to remove me from your friends list. I'm good with that. I don't need a wide circle of friends just to have a big list. I want to surround myself with people who care about me and who I care about as well. That's fair. You guys know who you are. No need to read any further...the rest of this post is for true friends......

I've had so many people contact me and tell me that they've shed tears over Sedi's situation and over my sadness. I didn't intend to make anyone else cry nor did I do it for the want of sympathy. I just felt like I wanted to share the reality of it all. I blog about and talk about my fitness struggles, I share my joy and worries on facebook with friends so why should I not share this too.

I have had so many people doing kind things for me and for my family. I'm overwhelmed with gratitude over how much support I have. I wasn't expecting anything. I didn't share for attention. What I got back from sharing our story was more than I can even put into words.

I'm amazed at how many of my friends love their pets as deeply as I do. That says a lot about the character of a person's soul in my humble opinion. To love so deeply and to mourn so honestly...it's what makes us who we are. Thank you friends. Your kind words have made this easier to deal with.

Fly On My Sweet Angel

Yesterday was the crappiest day in the history of my almost 41 years on this planet. It was the day I've been dreading for years. It's the day I knew would come but that I wasn't expecting to see so soon. Yesterday sucked big hairy stinky sweaty balls in fact.

Tuesday evening I contacted Dr Vanessa to let her know that I was concerned Sedi was taking a nose dive pretty quickly. He'd started drooling all the time, wasn't eating hardly at all (not even the various canned fished I offered), was withdrawn and looked very disoriented. He was suffering and it was awful to see. She was supposed to come at 330pm yesterday but she rearranged her schedule and let me know she'd be at our house around noon.

Hubby got up early and spent some tearful moments with Big Sed. He ate a little tuna and gave Hubby headbutts of love and even purred for the first time in days. When I got up he was back to hiding under my son's bed looking totally out of it. I spent some time laying on the hallway floor with him after I managed to coax him out. He was clearly feeling like shit. We got the kid out the door after he said his goodbyes.

Sedi came downstairs and I hand fed him some leftover salmon. He ate a bit. I offered him some milk out of a bowl that I held for him. He enjoyed that too. Afterwards I had to wipe his chin like he was an infant. Killed me to see my proud Lion-Boy so unable to attend to himself. Around 10am I managed to convince Sedi to get on the couch with me. We took a peaceful, blissful 45 minute nap together. I saw him truly relax for the first time since Saturday. He was content. I was content too. That meant the world to me.

My boy after our nap. I'm going to miss that smirk of contentment.

Around 1115 I printed out and filled out the paperwork the vet had sent to me. I broke down and could hardly speak in coherent sentences to Hubby. This shit was real ya'll. When the vet arrived at 1155 we were as ready as we were going to be. She went over the process with us. She made it all as easy as it could possibly be. Sedi was hiding under the covers of our bed (as usual). She told us that she could easily do the procedure there. If that's where HE was comfortable being then there was no need to bring him elsewhere. She wanted to make sure it was as stress free for him as possible. She even sprayed herself with a feline calming spray.

We went upstairs and I put my hands on him while Rhett held the sheet up to block Sedi from seeing Vanessa. She didn't talk as she knew he was fearful of strangers. She gave him the sedative which took a few to hit him. In true fighter fashion Sedi tried to run off. I wrapped him gently in my arms, laid down beside him and held him to me so the sedative could start to work it's magic. He was scared and it killed me. I kept kissing his head and telling him I love him. I reminded him that I promised to NEVER let anyone hurt him and I wasn't about to go back on that promise. He relaxed and she gave us time to say goodbye. I laid his head on my pillow and I never let go of him. I kissed him a million plus times. I apologized over and over again. I told him thank you for the love he'd given me, thank you for the love he'd given all of us. I sobbed. I shook.

We told her it was time and she injected the final medicine. She warned us that he might give one final gasp. He didn't. He drifted off easily and quickly like he'd been waiting for it and welcomed it. She let us know he was truly gone. They both gave me a few minutes alone with him.

I kissed him a million more times. Admired his gorgeous fur. Held his little paws as he'd let me do so often. I tried to soak up every ounce of love that I could from him while I still had him with me. I put my head to his chest and for two seconds I let myself believe I still heard his heart or felt a breath. I thought "What if he's really not dead? What if this is a scam and she's some crazy person who sells peoples pets to labs so they can experiment on them?" Rational thinking so obviously was NOT happening at this point.

I wrapped his body in the lovely blanket she'd provided. Hubby offered to carry him downstairs and I refused the offer. I held him as close to my heart as I could. Vanessa said I could carry him out to her car which I did. I placed him in a little bed that she'd provided in her backseat. I kissed his head again and hugged Vanessa. We talked about the cremation center and all the details surrounding that. This was truly the best way we could have opted to do this for our fella. No stress of taking him to the vet. No eyes of strangers watching us as we cried.

We walked inside, closed the front door and I promptly collapsed on my hallway floor. I wrapped my arms as tightly around myself as I could while sobs that I couldn't control came from a place inside that I didn't know existed. I felt like I was going to shatter into thousands of pieces if I moved. I finally got up off the floor and talked to hubby. I know it was just his body that was left but the thought of someone else taking my beloved boy away from me was more than I could bear. It's still driving a knife into my heart as I type this. I wanted him to be here with us. Alive, breathing, yelling at me for food, laying on a book so I couldn't read it.

I hardly recall anything after that point. I know that at bedtime I held tight to the pillow that he was resting on and I cried myself to sleep. This morning I thought I saw him on the cat tree when I got up and the tears started anew. I've cried on and off for the 4.5 hours I've been up. I don't know when the tears will stop.

I've lost loved one like grandparents before but I've never lost anyone that was a constant in my life every single day for so long. Grief is something that I've not experienced before. The sadness, the loss comes out of nowhere...like a tidal wave! It knocks me down, leave me sobbing and I can't keep it contained. I thought I'd take it to the pavement and run this morning but I'm too tired. I feel....defeated I guess is a good word. Broken and defeated.

Time will move on and things will get easier.  I know that my best buddy has found a big piece of brand new carpet to rip to shreds and an ever flowing supply of treats. He's at peace now and someday, I will be at peace with that too. For now, I cry, I rage, I hurt. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe it won't. I put one foot in front of the other and keep on moving. That's all we can do right? Thanks for being a part of this journey friends/family/blog readers.

Decisions Have Been Made

After I published my post earlier Hubby and I had a long tearful talk about Sedi. He's drooling now. His eyes are looking wonky. His fur is matted and he's hardly even eating the canned tuna that tempted him yesterday. My once regal lion of a cat is fading fast. I see that and I know what the next step is.

Hubby called the vet who provides in home euthanasia. His voice cracked and he started to cry as he left our details for her to return his call. He said it made it even more real that this is happening. She called us back and he chatted with her for a bit. We were hoping she could come early tomorrow morning right after the Kid goes to school so we'd have time to get our shit together before we pick him up at the end of the day. She can't come til 330pm. We'll deal.

We've decided that we are going to have Sedi cremated and his ashes returned to us. I ordered a lovely lotus flower urn to put his remains in. I've said for years now that Sedi will remain with me til I die, then we'll be scattered off a mountain together. I wasn't joking.

We talked to the Kid about what's happening. We ALL think it's best that he's not here when the procedure happens. I have an amazing group of friends, several of which stepped up to offer a play date after school tomorrow. My friend T is picking him up after school is out to go play with her clan. That'll buy us some time tomorrow to do what we need to do.

Tonight is going to be a long night. I'm going to allow myself to feel whatever I need to feel and to react however I need to react. I'm going to miss the shit out of my old fella and that's all there is to is. For now, I'll cuddle him as much as he'll allow. I'll let him eat all the canned fish he wants to eat.

Hold your pets a little closer tonight my friends. Give them extra love and cuddles. Tell them you love them. Tell them that an amazingly wonderful kitty is going to earn his wings tomorrow. That's all I got y'all. Til next time.

September 13th, 2014 before he started going down hill

How Do You Say Goodbye?

This post has nothing to do with fitness or food. This post is about a very real, very personal struggle of a whole different type.

I'll start off with a story. 15 years ago I was living in a little house that my Grandma owned. The word got out that I was a crazy cat lady. I had several kitties that I fed in my yard on a regular basis. Two tabby kittens showed up one day. They took up residence in my flower pot. I thought they were both males. I named them Mao Mao and Otis. Both spent some time with me and then went their own way.

Fast forward to a few months later. Mao Mao showed back up looking strangely chunky. Quickly realized he was a she and she was due to have some babies. Mao Mao had her babies in my yard under an old tractor. She had three total. One orange and white fluff ball (I fell in love immediately) , one orange tabby and one grey tabby that looked just like her. She moved them under my steps for a while then totally disappeared with them.

Fast forward to several weeks later. It was a cold winter evening. I came home from work and was walking up my front stairs. I hear a tiny "MEW!" from the bushes. Up came Mao Mao hold the orange tabby (Maurice I named him). She looked at my door then looked at me. I said "do you wan to bring your babies inside?" and I opened the door for her. She walked right in, plopped him down on the floor and went back out for kitten #2. She showed up with the grey female (Zella). She came right in and laid down to nurse. I waited for her to go back out for my fave kitten. She didn't. I called my Dad in a panic! He told me to put her outside...she may have forgotten about him while she got comfy with the others. I put her out and she was back in a few with the forgotten kitten. He was shivering with cold. I named him Sedrick. They all stayed with me for several months.

It was obvious to me right off the bat that Sedi was something special. He loved me and sought out my affection over his Mom's. He was the first of the kittens to purr, he slept curled in a little ball by my chin and when I was on the couch, he was there too in my lap...demanding all of my love. Mao Mao got spayed and went back outside (I had two other kitties already indoors). Zella and Maurice went to a shelter where they were adopted very quickly.

Sedrick stayed with me. Eventually, reluctantly my two older female cats learned to tolerate his antics. He was a constant source of entertainment and the biggest attention whore I'd ever met. I went through some VERY dark times where I felt totally alone. If it weren't for the creatures at home depending on me for food, love and shelter I'd have probably not gone home at all half the time.

About 2 weeks ago I noticed he was looking skinnier. Sedi's always been a chunky monkey (in his golden years especially). I have been keeping an eye on him. Saturday I noticed he was looking really skinny, wasn't eating much and seemed withdrawn. I immediately took him to a vet that could fit him in that day. They weighed him and we audibly gasped at his current weight. He'd lost almost 7lbs in two weeks. That's a very rapid, worrisome loss. She drew labs and said she'd call me Monday. I looked her in the eye and said "is there something you are concerned about"...she said liver disease or kidney disease and I saw that she knew something was wrong but she didn't want to alarm me.

I brought him home and the tears started. I know my best friend well.  I watched him almost drag himself up the stairs and collapse on the middle stair from the effort it took. I watched him walk like he was in pain with every step. I saw my best friend...my first child in a sense..hurting. I knew something was up. Sure enough, she called me on Monday and told me the results.... Pancreatitis and Renal Failure. She said to me "I'm so sorry...I was hoping for better news". I called the other vet in town who'd seen our other kitty Leo recently. They fit me in yesterday afternoon. The vet there went over his lab numbers with me. They were bad....VERY bad.

Sedi kissing the tears away though he was hurting

Long and short of it is my best buddy's body is shutting down. He's in the process of dying. She said I could spend a ton of money and he'd spend a ton of time in the hospital but with his numbers, that would only buy us a few weeks at best. I asked her "If this were YOUR beloved pet, what would YOU do?" She told me she'd let him go. He's very sick. He's suffering. We decided to give him a pain and fluids injection that would give him 3 days of relief so we can say goodbye. I left that vet's office sobbing hysterically. I left there knowing I was bringing my friend home to die.

Getting some love from Hubby

Sedrick has been the one constant in my life for FOURTEEN years! He's been with me for several big moves, a divorce, my marriage to Rhett, the birth of my son and he's ALWAYS given me nothing but love. He has been the most loyal and loving friend I've ever had. He sleeps curled up by my side every single night. He yells at me and demands my affection every single day.He taught me about love. He taught my son about compassion for a pet. He has given me more love than I can even begin to describe. He's let me cry into his fur countless hours and has asked for nothing in return but my affection. How do I let go of this? How do I say goodbye? He's going to leave the biggest hole in my heart ever.

He's loved....so deeply loved here 

I feel completely and utterly shattered over this. I'm consumed by my sadness. Sleep eludes me and food doesn't even have any flavor. I have moments where I'm ok then everything around me crumbles into a crying fit. I've cried more tears than I thought possible. I have more to shed. I've sobbed more heart breaking sobs than I have in my life over the past few days. I have more to come. I owe him a peaceful end and he'll have that. My husband says I'll know when the time is right to call the vet. I hope he's correct. I feel like I'm trying to put an expiration date on my best friend's life. It hurts guys. It hurts so badly that I feel like I can't breath. I don't know how to make this better.

This is what sadness looks like....3 days of crying and real sadness