Past Vs Present

Yesterday "C",who I'm pretty sure is one of my long lost sisters, was chatting with me on Facebook. She said the following to me--
"Yo.  Feedback on your latest blog post...
in the pic you were slim.  Now you are not only slim, but a freaking muscled, strong, dedicated beast!
People use you as inspiration.  Don't compare yourself to when you were skinny.
Your accomplishments far outweigh a few lbs of body fat
You're awesome. Know it."

She's amazing and knew that I needed to hear this for a kick in the pants. ;) She's a fellow running/lifting Mommy who is currently training for her first full marathon which is in a couple of weeks. Rock that shit like I know you can "C"!

I had another friend ask me for help on her journey to getting healthier. I happily said yes and sent her some ideas. Made me feel good that she trusts me enough to ask me for advice.

I started thinking back to the beginning of my getting healthy. Started thinking about WHY I chose to do it in the first place. It wasn't to be fast, it wasn't to be the best...it was about being a good role model for my son and about taking control of my health instead of ending up with heart issues and diabetes which both run in my family. I started looking back at old photos....when I was at my heaviest and unhealthiest.

Here's a comparison then vs now.  In the old pic I was all fat underneath that shirt. I was a size 12 verging on size 14. I'm NOT saying 12 is fat before anyone gets offended. I'm saying that I personally at this size was solid fat under that shirt. I'm 5ft2in and for my build the amount of body fat that I had was VERY unhealthy! Worse yet,  I  could hardly walk up stairs without getting winded and  a 6 mile hike with hilly trails was out of the question.

The 2014 photo was taken yesterday after my leg workout at my gym. I'm a solid size 4 (sometimes a 2, maybe even a 6 in smaller sized brands). The size I wear is neither here nor there, just wanted to include it for comparison sake. Now I rarely ever get winded unless I'm running hard. Now I RUN up those hills with my strong capable legs. I can carry my 70 lb kid upstairs without fear of dropping him. My family is healthier because of the choices I made. I feel good about that!


I've never been called an inspiration in my life up until recently. In the past several months that words has come up in various conversations with friends new and old.

in·spi·ra·tion noun \
: something that makes someone want to do something or that gives someone an idea about what to do or create : a force or influence that inspires someone
: a person, place, experience, etc., that makes someone want to do or create something
: a good idea

I know that isn't a hollow compliment. I think that I should tell you guys, specifically the kind people who have said this word to me, thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. I feel honored that anyone would say that to me or about me. I didn't set out on this path to inspire anyone but if I've managed to help even one person by sharing my story then I feel pretty freaking good. I'm not an expert on anything by any means nor do I pretend to be. I still struggle with trying to figure out what works for me, with how far I should take it, with all the things that I've shared on this blog countless times. I'm just a girl, doing the best I can. Live, love, move and eat! :) That's all I've got for today. 

WWKRD?

What would Kenny Rogers Do? He'd say "You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em. Know when to walk away and know when to run". Wise words Kenny.

Since March 17th of 2012 I've been a member of My Fitness Pal. From that date up until July of this year, I posted and tracked my food daily. I ended my log in streak with a break to enjoy my beach trip with my family and to work on practicing eating as my body asked me to instead of based on a goal. When I came back from that break I realized just how much time and effort I'd put into tracking all the time. I realized that I CAN do this without the crutch. My tracking never resumed and my posting became less and less.

So, here's what REALLY sealed the deal for me----3 days ago I was looking at old race photos. I came across the pics from my first half marathon. I started looking through the whole album and came across the packet pickup pics. I saw how happy I looked, how LEAN I looked, how healthy I looked. I'll share a pic so you can see what I saw.

I took a long hard look at where I'm at right now. I know those jeans I was rocking wouldn't button over the layer of fat I have on my stomach right now. I started thinking about what I weighed then vs. now, how I was training then vs. now, what I was eating then vs now. I went back and looked it all up on MFP. I started feeling worse and worse about where I'm at RIGHT NOW. I started comparing myself to this past version of me. Downward spiral y'all. It's bad enough that I compare myself to other people which is a very bad idea but to compare myself to this - what I perceive as a healthier version of me - is just totally ridiculous! 

I've been in a total funk since then. Second guessing everything. Did you know in this photo I was eating regular, gluten filled foods with NO issues? Typical runner's diet. Not really any issues outside of bloat etc which I STILL get now on occasion. I've been thinking about why I changed what was working for me. I started idealizing a specific type of body...more muscle, etc. I started trying what was working for people on my friends list. I started researching and looking for other things. Wanting more...more muscle, more changes..not being happy with where I was. Also clearly a bad idea. Dietary tweaks left and right...treating my body like I'm a 200 lb. dude. Trying to hit this macro and that macro...basically burning myself out with the constant worry of "Am I doing this right???"

So, here I sit, 10 lbs heavier than this photo with a tiny bit more muscle but way more fat than I care to admit. Bordering on tears because I feel like I'm trying and seeing nothing but backtracking. I log on to MFP and see people celebrating victories left and right. I can't keep comparing myself to them. I can't let myself have access to my old food journals and old weigh ins... I use them as a way to put myself down and to further berate myself for not being what I see as an ideal size for me. Today, I took Kenny's advice. I folded. I walked away. I hit delete. Farewell MFP. You served me well for a long time. Now I need to figure out how to do this on my own. No comparisons allowed. Not even to the old me. 

Love yourself, Peeps. You are the only you in this whole crazy world! 

I Don't Know How To Love

This morning it really hit home for me. I don't know how to love. It's ME that I struggle to love and value as you guys already know. After my shower I caught a glimpse of myself in all my natural glory. I started immediately picking myself apart. I looked at my belly and started the smoosh/pinch/grab technique...ladies, don't even pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about.

I stopped, closed my eyes, took a deep breath and said "Enough is enough! This shit is getting old!" Damn it, I eat to fuel my athletic performance (GIVE ME ALL THE CARBS) and I just raced yesterday. Of course I'm having a fluffy day. I raced like a boss and it's because I don't starve myself for a specific look. I train hard and eat well because I want to be strong and capable. Yes, that means I might have a little more jiggle on the middle than I want. Yes, that means that after a particularly taxing race or workout my smaller sized pants might possibly be snug. 

I KNOW that I could diet down and get shredded if I chose to. I know all the techniques and I know what I'd have to do. I just choose not to because I don't want to live in such a restrictive way if I'm not going to be competing in a show or walking around in a bikini. I need to be ok with not looking like a physique model. Honestly, I don't know that I'd even be happy with myself at that point. I'd probably stand buck naked in front of my mirror and say "oh look, my quads are big enough" or something equally ridiculous. Blah. 

 I need to learn to own the things that I can do well and to be proud of my accomplishments. I had more than one person tell me yesterday and today that I'm inspiring to them. Me inspiring? I totally downplayed their heartfelt compliments in my head because I don't think I'm anything more than a girl who likes to push herself. Why do I do that? Why is it impossible for me to take a compliment to heart? It makes my dear hubby NUTS and has for years. Another thing to work on.

I guess I just needed to post about my eternal internal struggle. Makes it more real and makes it known that I need to work on it. How do YOU feel good about yourself if you do? If you've struggled with self acceptance, how did you achieve it? I welcome any and all advice on this!

Drag N Fly 10k Recap

This morning I ran a VERY hilly 10k out at Contra Loma Regional Park. I didn't have high hopes for myself as I've had knee/shin/calf issues the past few days and last night's sleep was craptastic. Yesterday I threw down some extra carbs and hydrated til my eyeballs were swimming. Woke up this morning around 540, got dressed, ate some yams with almond butter and washed that down with some OJ. We left the house around 620. Got to the race site, picked up my packet and swag then had tons of time to kill. No worries. I always have to use the dang bathroom 27 times before a race. ;) Right before we started I ate 2 of my Honey Stinger chews as I was feeling a little tired already.


Timer went off and we got started.

The first part wasn't too bad THEN we hit the hills. Holy crap. Seriously. I only saw a few people actually able to run the hills the entire time. Pretty sure they were part mountain goat or something. One lady flew by me, I knew she was going to the first female finisher. Around mile 2.5 another lady managed to pass me. I knew she was going to be my target for the entire race. I wasn't sure if she was in my age group and damn it...I wanted to place! I actually enjoyed the competitiveness of the run. This lady and another lady were the 2 that I kept passing/being passed by. The trails were dry with lots of loose rocks. I was scared at first. Pretty sure I've mentioned my fear of downhill running in a previous post. Then something inside me said..."Screw this! You came to run...not be a pansy!" and I decided to haul ass as best I could on the downhills too. Felt good to push myself and to not be scared. I figured if I'm gonna get hurt, might as well make it a good story! LOL!

I felt pretty good the entire run. It got a bit warm out there..think brutal sun with no shade...good times. I made sure to sip from my hydration pack often. I tried a new electrolyte liquid in my water today. I liked it a lot. No taste and I didn't feel any calf cramps or issues the entire time. Ended up having 2 more Honey Stinger chews around mile 6 just to kick that last .64 in the booty. Yeah, this race was 6.64 instead of 6.25. **Shakes fist at the Brazen organizer**

 I was SO happy to see that finish line! Hubby's face was registering total shock when I found him in the crowd. He wasn't expecting to see me for another 10 plus minutes. He said he was really happy that he was sitting where he was so he could capture a great finish photo for me.

My official time was 1:04:25 which is FIVE minutes off my last 10k trail from 2012. Whoooo! I was the 3rd female across and I took first place in my age group. So yeah, I feel pretty good about my efforts today! I met up with the 2 ladies I'd previously mentioned and high fived them. We all congratulated each other on a job well done and a race well raced. Turns out we each placed 1st in our age groups. We all agreed it was awesome to have other ladies at similar paces to help push us. Competitiveness and comradery at it's best right there y'all! Beautiful thing to be a part of!

My kid was ready to hit the snack table and holy crap were there snacks. Sadly, as usual, not a lot of options for me except fruit and potato chips (mmmm salt). Luckily I'd packed a snack box for myself last night.

I chugged my coconut water and ate the smaller of the crispy rice treats. Honestly I wasn't that hungry. I was just thirsty! I grabbed my finisher medal (yay Brazen! I love you for having medals for top placers) and we rolled out. Stopped by Starbucks drive thru for the most glorious cup of dark roast EVER. Yeah, I brought my own coconut milk. I drank every single drop. So good.

Now I'm home, showered (you are all welcome) and happily on the couch in my PJs. I had a nice healthy lunch of leftovers...butternut squash, yam greens, garlic ginger steak bites, bison meatballs with roasted tomatoes and some pineapple. Tonight after the kid goes to bed I'll be cracking open a well earned bottle of vino. I'm thinking about signing up for the next Brazen race which is next month. Hmmmmmm....challenges. I do love them so! ;)

Race Pros and Cons---
Pros--
Awesome shirt
Awesome medals
Well organized
Clearly marked course
Plenty of aid stations
Lots of bathrooms
Great post race snack buffet
Places to take age group photos
Results posted online quickly
Super cool vintage Brazen shirts for only $5!! Sadly I had no cash or I'd have come home with a pile.

Cons--
Snack table was tough for a GF girl but that's typical so I can't complain too much
No finisher's awards ceremony
Medal engraving was $20 instead of free for the people who placed. No thanks.

It Has Been a Few Days!

Lots of this going on in my kitchen! ;) There's been a little vino here and there too. Nothing crazy. Feeling good about not restricting foods that my body will tolerate. Not using sugar as a mood booster so it's all good.

So tomorrow is my 10k trail race. Nice and hilly. Even some of my hardcore runner peeps have had to walk the hilly part. Ughhhh. I'd feel ok about it if I weren't injured. Not sure if I have a shin splint or a knee issue as they take turns being angry. It's all connected I'm sure. My friend gave me some KT tape to try so I'll be putting that on later after I soak my legs a bit. Fingers crossed it helps. I want to kick some ass tomorrow and I know I'll be frustrated if I can. Doubtful I'll place as there are some pro-trail runners that come to Brazen races. I'll be happy to finish well. :) 

Going to start updating here more often with recipes and such. I like taking pics of my food! Happy Friday peeps! 

My Relationship With The Scale

This morning I decided to get on the scale and see where I'm at. I've had two rest days in a row and a half a bottle of wine last night (mmm wine! Don't judge me!!) so I figured today was the day. I looked back in my log book and apparently exactly one month ago was the last time I took a scale reading. Funny how that worked out. I was shocked to see that I weigh in at  EXACTLY the same number as I did a month ago! Like to the ounce exactly! For some reason I was expecting to see a lower number....I don't know why. It threw me for a loop and put me into a bit of a funk for a few which is STUPID! I know the scale weight means nothing in terms of fitness, I know my shorts are still fitting. I know all the things that the scale does NOT mean. So why did that number do such a number on my head? Hubby pointed out that it's a GOOD thing...it's means I probably truly haven't lost any muscle mass with all the running I've been doing. Aslo, apparently it makes no difference at all in terms of my weight if I eat sugar or not. Def impacts the way I FEEL but not the actual weight.

I wish I'd taken body measurements. Tomorrow I'm going to do just that. In a month, I'll report back with how my body is reacting to the running more, lifting lighter.

Came across this article today. Seems a great place to post it. 

http://www.thehappygal.com/5-reasons-throw-scale/

No...Just No

So yeah...today I decided officially that there's no way in Hades I'm running a full marathon. I can already see the little bit of muscle I fought so hard to put on falling away as I train for the half marathon. Gonna focus on the half for now then after November this lady is getting her ass back into weight lifting/strength gain mode. I LOVE what weight lifting does for my body. I like the way I feel and I like the way I look. Body made the choice for me and I'll respect it. I'm hoping I can put back on the muscle without having to track calories but I'll do what I have to do for a while. :)

 I did sign up for a 9 miler in January but I'll keep my very max distance to 10 until after that's done. Afterwards, I'm all about the fast 5k with maybe a 10k trail race thrown in for shits and giggles. :)

4 Days After The Whole 30 and Where I'm At

So, I've kept it all in check pretty nicely I must say. I had what amounted to one nice glass of red wine with dinner Sunday night as we had friends over. It was tasty but I had a headache before I hit the bed and the past two days have been VERY angry guts. Now, to be fair, I did have all the angry gut stuff start  on Friday so I have a feeling the stomach wasn't the wine. I baked yesterday and used my Enjoy Life Chocolate in a few things. Tasty but didn't send me into treat overdrive which was good. I've been experimenting with date sugar I found at the store. Tasty stuff!

I've been doing some research about guts and truthfully, I think I have something more going on than just a picky body. No matter how clean I eat and how much stuff I cut out, I'm STILL dealing with the stomach issues and fatigue. This has been an ongoing issue for me for the past 2 years I think. Apparently IBS and other gut issues can also present as food intolerances along with causing fatigue. I've made a dr's appt for October 1st when the new insurance coverage starts to discuss my stomach issues. Pretty sure he'll suggest an internal look which I ain't too thrilled about BUT you gotta do what you gotta do! Bring on the clean out drink. Blah!

Workout wise--The tiredness is still kicking my ass obviously. I took my new running shoes out for a 4 miler Sunday, rested yesterday and hit the gym to lift this morning. My lifting is still VERY much off from a few months ago. Again..as I've mentioned several times ...I keep reminding myself I'm in the endurance phase with less weight, more reps while I focus on my half training. It's ok. It's all good. I'm still in there killing it as best I can...that's what matters most.

I'm trying to come up with a game plan still on the lifting and running. I don't want to end up skinny fat again from too much cardio with no lifting. I've found a 2 day a week lifting program that I used today. Pretty decent. I'll add on a bit more variety I think to the lifting days but otherwise, it hit all the big groups that need to be hit. So that 2 days a week, one long run, one short run/track workout and one day of either spin with hubby, a bike ride, another run or even a full body lifting day..that depends on my schedule. 2 days a week of solid rest. Seems a good plan to get me through to November 8th. Then I think I'm back to the land of the gym rats with shorter runs. I've talked myself out of marathon training. I don't think I'll like what it does to my body in terms of my muscle.

Food wise I'm keeping it Paleo-ish for now. Rice seems to be my friend so I'll keep it around when I need it. Trying to actively up the veggie carbs and also the good fats to make sure I'm fueled well for all this running. I "think" I'm eating enough but with the 500-700 calorie burns from the longer runs, I think I might have to track on those days. I don't want to force myself to eat but I don't want to under eat as I know that's bad news for my energy.

Still haven't stepped on the scale. With the gut issues has come some MAJOR belly bloat. I know the number I'll see will upset me and it's not a true indicator of where I'm at. I'll wait till I'm feeling better again and maybe I'll check. Then again, maybe not. ;)

Check in soon! Thanks for sticking with me!

Whole 30 Day 33--I'm Finished

Done blogging about what I've been eating. Will continue eating this way like always but will enjoy a paleo baked goodie, occasional wine and dark chocolate when the mood hits BUT NOT IN EXCESS. ;) No guilt. It's been fun. As I stated earlier...I feel too restricted. Can't even have honey if I want it. Nah, done. I made progress in slaying my sugar cravings, my bloat is mostly gone (here on big running days but that's not dietary) and I feel pretty good in general fatigue issues aside. Still going to blog about fitness stuff and food stuff on occasion I'm sure. Next thing to decide...do I step on the scale to see where I'm at? Is it important to me in any way shape or form?


xoxoxo,
L

"Do What Makes You Happy"

Today I was chatting online (as I do daily) with my friend T. I love her. She's a feisty lady who thinks exactly the way I do which sometimes can be a bit snarky. ;) It's nice to have someone that can get where I'm coming from without me seeming like a jerk! I was telling her that I'm not sure if I'm going to keep on with the Whole 30 for the full 60 days or not. Again, I eat this way mostly anyway..just with some occasional wine, peanut butter and crap free chocolate added it. She said to me "Do what makes you happy". I fired back with "I'm not really sure what that is right now". And that, my friends, is the plain and simple truth! I honestly don't know what makes me happy right now. I love running, I miss lifting really heavy. I love the way I'm eating but I do miss wine and I do feel really restricted which is exactly what I've been trying to get way from. I'm at a crossroads again and I'm not sure which direction to head in. That's where my head is at this week. More later!

Whole 30 Day 32

Raise your hand if you stayed up way past your bedtime to read!! **hand raised**
Zzzzzzzzzz. Going for a bike ride with some stretching today. Legs are tight and I'm tired.

Breakfast--GF oats with egg whites, almond butter, cinnamon and raisins. Coffee as always.
Sad to say that my poor belly (which was NOT bloated when I got up) is big again...oats not my friend I guess?
Snack-- Homemade Lara bar, second cuppa coffee.
Lunch--Pineapple salmon, fresh fruit, salad, asparagus and zucchini noodles with roasted tomatoes
Dinner--Wings, pineapple and  fried brown rice with sweet potatoes/egg
Snack--Dried mango

Whole 30 Day 31

Breakfast--Bison meatballs topped with roasted tomatoes and garlic, egg in a broccoli slaw nest, nectarine and coffee with coconut milk.

Snack-- Pineapple, dried mango
Lunch-- Chicken wings 3 ways and a giant salad, 2 date bites and some French Press
Dinner-- Grassfed NY Strip, sweet potato and a salad with Tessamae's Ranch

Home Workouts and "Real Women"

I wanted to run but woke up tired so I decided tomorrow I'll run for time. As in I'm choosing to run for 1 hour. I'll see how far I can get. Not going by pace or mileage. :)

Today I opted for a home workout. The thing I love most about working out at home is that when I'm done, I can lay on my floor and relax...ahhhhhhh.

 I used http://www.fitnessblender.com/ to find a kettlebell workout that was quick and to the point. I love their site for home butt kicking. You don't need to spend hours, you don't need to spend money and you don't even need to use equipment if you want a body weight workout. There's a workout for everyone and their mothers. Check them out


Came across this article as I was enjoying my coffee. It's worth a read! There is no right way to be a "real woman".....This goes along with my "do what makes YOU happy and what works for YOU".
http://www.niashanks.com/real-woman/ Care to share your thoughts after you read it? I was just chatting with a friend last night about recovery time and the "shaming" I got from a trainer at a local gym a few months ago when I said I'd had to take a week off. Interesting stuff and my friend was very insightful. Thanks for that chat B. It reminded me that being fit comes in all shapes, sizes and activity levels. Actually my other friend B and I had a chat about doing what works for your body as well. Lots of fitness chats happening right now. LOL!

Along those lines...I don't think anyone is better than anybody else. If you want to drink what others perceive to be a chemical shit storm in your coffee, go ahead. If you want to try to keep that stuff out your diet, go ahead. Do what works for YOU. Let's all just agree to disagree if needed and move on. No need to point fingers and say "my way is better than yours". **shrugs**

Whole 30 Day 30

Guess I should change my post name to Whole 60 huh? ;)

Rest day today. A bit tired from waking up super early but otherwise ok. Resisting the urge to step on the scale. Curious to see where I'm at weight wise. I don't feel any leaner.

Breakfast--Lots of coffee with coconut milk, an orange, scrambled eggs with roasted tomatoes,
leftover steak and yam greens

Snack-- Date bite, swig of coconut water
Lunch-- Bison meatballs, leftover zucchini noodles, a mango and yam greens and French Press with coconut milk

Snack--2 date bites, pistachios with raisins, dried mango
Dinner-- Banana pancakes with almond butter and a few blackberries

Whole 30 Day 29

Forgot to post last night...oopsie--


10.32 miler! Today's run was good. A bit slower than I'd hoped for but I went in knowing I was pushing mileage not pace. I felt good energy wise and didn't bonk at all. Used my homemade gel and it worked nicely! I think
my body liked the brown rice I had last night!

Felt great all day up until 5ish when I got hit with an off belly
and a headache from hell. Didn't even finish my steak at dinner. I NEVER leave steak on my plate...like ever. Drinking more water and going to bed early tonight.

Pre-run--Sweet potato with almond butter, boiled egg, OJ and a couple of raisins
During-- Homemade gel
Post-run--Leftover salmon fried rice with coffee as usual and coconut water
Snacks--Date bite, homemade Lara bar
Lunch--Leftover wings, bbq sauce, yam greens and sweet potato with fresh fruit

Snack--Pumpkin mug cake split with hubby, dried mango
Dinner--Grassfed Strip, roasted tomatoes with garlic and basil, zucchini noodles