I Want It ALL!!!!

Today I got out of bed, took one look at my bare ass and floppy belly while I was changing for the gym and fell into a familiar, unhappy place with regards to my body. **sigh** WHEN will I ever learn to love myself and to see the good? Headed to the new gym with little dude. Checked him into the kid's club, put my stuff in my locker and headed to the weight room for my first workout. Today I decided upper body was on the docket since my left quad is still angry. I decided a few weeks ago to stop tracking my food intake on MFP. I know how to eat. I just want to practice what I've learned instead of relying on an app to tell me what I'm doing. I knew that this might impact my performance with lifting as I'm not eating like a swole up dude anymore. I also knew that I had decided to hit an endurance phase with my training...less weight, more reps as I focus on my running a bit more. Yet, as I struggled with weights I'd normally toss around like Barbie weights, I felt defeated. I felt small, puny...like I didn't belong. I felt like an average,out of shape, 40 year old mom and housewife and I freaking hated it. HATED IT! I wanted to leave within the first 5 minutes of beginning and cry in the locker room. I didn't but I wanted to.The weight room was packed which I also hated. I don't like other people seeing me struggle especially when I'm normally much stronger. Why do I give a shit what those people think though? I don't know any of them. They aren't important in my life. I finished my weighted workout and found a quiet place in a nook upstairs to do some core work. I liked it better there..alone with my music, a medicine ball and my strong core. Finished up, changed into my swim suit and took the kiddo to the pool. I felt utterly miserable every second I was in that bathing suit. Ridiculous. I gotta fix this shit and fast. Slippery slope for me to start with the self loathing again.

Again, I knew going in that my goals had changed, that my workout would be different. I want to run fast again. I want to enjoy my workouts. I want to stop pushing my body to be something it's not, yet I'm angry and feel like it failed me today. I want it ALL. I want to be STRONG and FAST...how do I find the balance to make that happen? I'm going to make myself nuts and suck all the joy out of working out again if I'm not careful. Tomorrow I rest. Saturday I do a spin class with the hubby (our first ever together)...These are both things I'll enjoy. I really need to think hard about what's important to me and set REALISTIC goals for myself.

That's all I've got for now...back later for the day of eats.