“Anybody who listens to their intuition risk at times making other people disappointed or even pissed off because you're not tending to what they want from you but instead to what feels right for you.”
― Maria Erving
Yep, it's been a hot minute or two since I've had the energy to blog. I've had a total log jam for a while. Since I started my healing process back in September (oh, there's a BIG blog post coming about all that at some point) I've been asking myself what I've been missing. I've felt like something was lacking but could NOT put my finger on it.
For Mother's Day I got a much coveted (and not so subtly demanded) gift certificate to Oly Float. It's the local sensory deprivation business. Up until now I've been scared to try it because being alone with just my thoughts for 1.5 hours while floating buck naked in a crap ton of Epsom salts and water in the dark was a little frightening. Since I've been working on managing my stress/anxiety and have developed a much more zen attitude (yes, really!), I felt like I was finally ready.
As I got into the water, the only thing I wanted to ponder was one question that had been nagging me for months. I asked myself "Body, what do you need to be happy, healthy and whole again" then I closed my eyes and concentrated on the nothingness that surrounded me. I won't go into detail about my experience but let's just say it was some trippy shizzle! I smiled, I cried, I healed as I floated. When my time had ended I sat up and got my bearings. As I sat there, a word came floating into my mind and echoed throughout every fiber of my being....TRUST.
I sat in the lounge area after my float and thought about what "trust" meant. For years, I've not trusted myself. I've chased this diet/eating style or workout because so and so said it was successful for them. I've ignored my own body and mind to the point of a huge adrenal crash because I thought what worked for others MUST work for me. It started out with eating all the protein because I started weight lifting, then it was doing a "bulk" phase, then it was eating hardcore Paleo and so on and so on. It's now to the point where I am stressed about food (and I semi- binge because things are labeled "bad" or "off limits").
I recently decided I don't care what anyone else says...You don't eat bananas? That's cool, I happen to LOVE them on occasion! You don't eat meat? That's ok, I like it (but a lot less of it than I ate because I thought I HAD to). You eat Paleo only? That's cool, I happen to feel ok about eating grain on occasion. I've started holding foods in my hands and deciding if I feel like eating them...I've asked my body if it wants said foods or not. I've had cider/GF beer in the sun on a warm sunny day more than a couple of times and you know what? I feel great! Am I a size 2 anymore? Nope and I don't need to be! I am able to workout again. I'm running with my kid a couple of times a week. I have energy again! I feel capable, strong and good. I'm working hard to figure out WHY I'm emotionally eating/binging and I'm still working hard on loving my bigger body as it currently is today but that's all a long process. I'll get there though it might take a while!
Interesting how the secret ingredient I've been missing has been within all along! Do you trust yourself? Like REALLY trust yourself to know what you need/want? Do you listen to your inner voice that tells you yes or no? Believe in yourself my friends...listen to what your body, mind and soul are trying to tell you instead of letting all the outside influences get into your head and sway the way you do things!
