Since March 17th of 2012 I've been a member of My Fitness Pal. From that date up until July of this year, I posted and tracked my food daily. I ended my log in streak with a break to enjoy my beach trip with my family and to work on practicing eating as my body asked me to instead of based on a goal. When I came back from that break I realized just how much time and effort I'd put into tracking all the time. I realized that I CAN do this without the crutch. My tracking never resumed and my posting became less and less.
So, here's what REALLY sealed the deal for me----3 days ago I was looking at old race photos. I came across the pics from my first half marathon. I started looking through the whole album and came across the packet pickup pics. I saw how happy I looked, how LEAN I looked, how healthy I looked. I'll share a pic so you can see what I saw.
I took a long hard look at where I'm at right now. I know those jeans I was rocking wouldn't button over the layer of fat I have on my stomach right now. I started thinking about what I weighed then vs. now, how I was training then vs. now, what I was eating then vs now. I went back and looked it all up on MFP. I started feeling worse and worse about where I'm at RIGHT NOW. I started comparing myself to this past version of me. Downward spiral y'all. It's bad enough that I compare myself to other people which is a very bad idea but to compare myself to this - what I perceive as a healthier version of me - is just totally ridiculous!
I've been in a total funk since then. Second guessing everything. Did you know in this photo I was eating regular, gluten filled foods with NO issues? Typical runner's diet. Not really any issues outside of bloat etc which I STILL get now on occasion. I've been thinking about why I changed what was working for me. I started idealizing a specific type of body...more muscle, etc. I started trying what was working for people on my friends list. I started researching and looking for other things. Wanting more...more muscle, more changes..not being happy with where I was. Also clearly a bad idea. Dietary tweaks left and right...treating my body like I'm a 200 lb. dude. Trying to hit this macro and that macro...basically burning myself out with the constant worry of "Am I doing this right???"
So, here I sit, 10 lbs heavier than this photo with a tiny bit more muscle but way more fat than I care to admit. Bordering on tears because I feel like I'm trying and seeing nothing but backtracking. I log on to MFP and see people celebrating victories left and right. I can't keep comparing myself to them. I can't let myself have access to my old food journals and old weigh ins... I use them as a way to put myself down and to further berate myself for not being what I see as an ideal size for me. Today, I took Kenny's advice. I folded. I walked away. I hit delete. Farewell MFP. You served me well for a long time. Now I need to figure out how to do this on my own. No comparisons allowed. Not even to the old me.
Love yourself, Peeps. You are the only you in this whole crazy world!
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