I Don't Know How To Love

This morning it really hit home for me. I don't know how to love. It's ME that I struggle to love and value as you guys already know. After my shower I caught a glimpse of myself in all my natural glory. I started immediately picking myself apart. I looked at my belly and started the smoosh/pinch/grab technique...ladies, don't even pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about.

I stopped, closed my eyes, took a deep breath and said "Enough is enough! This shit is getting old!" Damn it, I eat to fuel my athletic performance (GIVE ME ALL THE CARBS) and I just raced yesterday. Of course I'm having a fluffy day. I raced like a boss and it's because I don't starve myself for a specific look. I train hard and eat well because I want to be strong and capable. Yes, that means I might have a little more jiggle on the middle than I want. Yes, that means that after a particularly taxing race or workout my smaller sized pants might possibly be snug. 

I KNOW that I could diet down and get shredded if I chose to. I know all the techniques and I know what I'd have to do. I just choose not to because I don't want to live in such a restrictive way if I'm not going to be competing in a show or walking around in a bikini. I need to be ok with not looking like a physique model. Honestly, I don't know that I'd even be happy with myself at that point. I'd probably stand buck naked in front of my mirror and say "oh look, my quads are big enough" or something equally ridiculous. Blah. 

 I need to learn to own the things that I can do well and to be proud of my accomplishments. I had more than one person tell me yesterday and today that I'm inspiring to them. Me inspiring? I totally downplayed their heartfelt compliments in my head because I don't think I'm anything more than a girl who likes to push herself. Why do I do that? Why is it impossible for me to take a compliment to heart? It makes my dear hubby NUTS and has for years. Another thing to work on.

I guess I just needed to post about my eternal internal struggle. Makes it more real and makes it known that I need to work on it. How do YOU feel good about yourself if you do? If you've struggled with self acceptance, how did you achieve it? I welcome any and all advice on this!