Taking A Big Step Back and The Future Game Plan

So. Here I sit..taking a forced rest day yet again. My body is wiped, my knee is jacked. I have pain from the knee cap all the way into my calf. I feel it when I walk. Haven't run since last Tuesday's boot camp. I was feeling really tight after my race last Sunday with some knee pain. Nothing new. I did a recovery run on Monday. Only 3 miles but I pushed the pace too much. Come Tuesday my right leg was already super duper sore. I went to boot camp anyway and pushed as best I could. By the end I was in hella pain. Ended up walking/limping home afterwards. By Tuesday night I couldn't cross my right leg in front of my left without crying out in pain. It hurt SO bad. I woke up Wednesday with a stomach bug AND a jacked leg. Think my body was asking for a break or what?

I took 3 days off from training. Stomach thing kicked my ass hardcore. Leg still hurt by the weekend but it wasn't bad. Saturday I went to the gym to lift. Even barbell push presses hurt my leg. Bad news huh? Sunday I rested again. Yesterday I wanted to run but my leg was still achy so I did a short bike ride then came home to work core. Today I wanted to lift but woke up so wiped out I can hardly move. I don't know what's going on! :( Trying to honor my body asking for rest but this sucks.

My half marathon is in less than 2 weeks. I KNOW I won't PR. Hell, at this point I'm hoping I complete it without having to walk. I've NEVER walked in a half and I don't intend to do it now. Fingers crossed a little more rest gives my leg time to heal. I really need to get in one more long run but I don't know if that'll happen or not. I may limp run the whole thing but damn it, I'm going to finish it regardless.

I've been thinking about my fitness level lately. I've taken a frustratingly big step backwards and I'm not sure what's going on. I've lost my mojo...my energy is poop and my body isn't strong like it was. Working out is my xanax and I'm feeling really depressed that I can't hit my workouts like I normally do. I feel like a failure. Silly I know but it's the honest truth. I feel like I'm letting myself down. Letting my friends down. I feel like not having the fight in me to push push push is a sign of weakness.

Distance running isn't my thing anymore. I said it after my last half and I knew it going in to this one. After November 8th, I'm keeping it to 10ks and 5ks...training runs less than 1 hour. I'm faster that way and I like it. I love trail running too so I'll try to incorporate more of that into my life.  My little bit of muscle gain I made has been eaten in to. Bye bye round squat booty. Bye bye little bit of ab definition. I feel jiggly and yucky. Nothing fits. My leg is jacked.

Yep...pretty sure body is telling me it's done. Back to hitting the iron hard and heavy.  I DO have a 15k in January but I"m not worried about training for that. As long as I keep my running up at least once a week, I'll be fine for that race. I also have a half in March. I may downgrade to the shorter distance...I'll gauge that come end of January. For now, it's time to get back to doing what makes ME feel good.

I have signed up to have my body fat % checked on November 13th. I'm pretty nervous and I KNOW I won't like the number I hear BUT it'll give me a REAL baseline of where my caloric needs should be. I've always had to guess and it's been too much trial/error for me personally. There's also a body fat shred boot camp at my gym starting up November 10th. I'm contemplating doing it. It's 5 days a week BUT I want to talk to the trainer running it about my goals (gain lean muscle mass) and see if it's really for me or not.

So, that's where I'm at right now guys. Busted up, frustrated but at least I have a game plan for next month! I'll be turning 41 soon and I plan on kicking middle age's saggy ass. ;) Keep on keeping on peeps. Do what makes YOU happy.

Tarantula 10k Recap

This morning I ran another 10k trail race hosted by Brazen. I didn't feel like I was well fueled (damn you Friday wine tasting and not stellar food choices) and I woke up with an icky belly (thanks dried mangoes). I woke up around 530, got dressed, got my gear together, ate some yams with almond butter and drank a small glass of OJ, got the kid and hubby up, used the bathroom 27 times and we were off.

The race was located at Los Vaqueros Reservoir. Didn't take long to get there and in true Brazen fashion parking, bib pickup and the whole shebang was like a well oiled machine. The kiddo was doing a 100 yard dash called the Spider Scramble. He started at 7:35 am and ran his little butt off. He came in 4th overall and was tickled to get his own finisher medal. I think that boy of mine might be ready for a 5k again soon...a fast paced one. ;) 

Ran into my fellow running club buddy RC. He was doing the half which had some MEAN elevation. He was doubting his ability to do well too. Funny how we do that to ourselves. We watched the half folks take off and cheered them on their way. Then it was the 10k race time.

My group started at 815 am and was right on time. I got in the front of the line as usual and put my music on. I opted not to wear my heart rate monitor nor did I turn on my Strava running app. I just wanted to run with no pressure again. We started off and I have to be honest here, I struggled the ENTIRE 6.29 of this race. My legs were sore and my body was exhausted. I fought with the desire to walk more than I care to admit. 

Lots of men flew past. One female took the lead pretty quickly. She was 16 years old I think? Ahhh youth. Another female passed me but she burned herself out pretty quickly. I caught up on a hill and kept on going. We had several decent hills. NOTHING like my Drag-N-Fly race but today they felt even tougher. I walked a little but tried to run as much as I could even when I felt like I was running with stones tied to my feet! The total elevation for this race was 694.

I hit aid station 2 and saw my fellow running/workout enthusiast EB. Her smile and cheering me on helped perk me up when I was already flagging. I looked back a few times during the race and saw that one other lady wasn't too far behind me. The competitive side said "You'd better move your ass a little faster!" So I tried to.

I was so damn happy to see that finish line! Seriously. My official time was 58:19. I came in 20th out of all the runners (man, fast people), 1st in my age group and 2nd female overall. I was excited to get another age group medal AND I got a certificate for some free socks at the local running store. Whooo! I had a few other runner's club peeps running the various distances and I think we all placed. Way to represent y'all! 

Pros--
Well organized
Fun snacks
Free kids' run
Finisher medals
Age group medals
Top 3 finisher certificates
$5 tshirts from other Brazen races
Lots of bathrooms


Cons--
Not many GF options on the snack table besides fruit and chips (again, that's always the case though)

Sharing The Pain And Friendship

I know some folks are annoyed or sick of seeing the sadness posts on facebook. I'm sure one or two have even said some mean things about Sedi and him just being a cat. I understand. If we are not friends enough for you to share my feelings with then perhaps YOU should make the call to remove me from your friends list. I'm good with that. I don't need a wide circle of friends just to have a big list. I want to surround myself with people who care about me and who I care about as well. That's fair. You guys know who you are. No need to read any further...the rest of this post is for true friends......

I've had so many people contact me and tell me that they've shed tears over Sedi's situation and over my sadness. I didn't intend to make anyone else cry nor did I do it for the want of sympathy. I just felt like I wanted to share the reality of it all. I blog about and talk about my fitness struggles, I share my joy and worries on facebook with friends so why should I not share this too.

I have had so many people doing kind things for me and for my family. I'm overwhelmed with gratitude over how much support I have. I wasn't expecting anything. I didn't share for attention. What I got back from sharing our story was more than I can even put into words.

I'm amazed at how many of my friends love their pets as deeply as I do. That says a lot about the character of a person's soul in my humble opinion. To love so deeply and to mourn so honestly...it's what makes us who we are. Thank you friends. Your kind words have made this easier to deal with.

Fly On My Sweet Angel

Yesterday was the crappiest day in the history of my almost 41 years on this planet. It was the day I've been dreading for years. It's the day I knew would come but that I wasn't expecting to see so soon. Yesterday sucked big hairy stinky sweaty balls in fact.

Tuesday evening I contacted Dr Vanessa to let her know that I was concerned Sedi was taking a nose dive pretty quickly. He'd started drooling all the time, wasn't eating hardly at all (not even the various canned fished I offered), was withdrawn and looked very disoriented. He was suffering and it was awful to see. She was supposed to come at 330pm yesterday but she rearranged her schedule and let me know she'd be at our house around noon.

Hubby got up early and spent some tearful moments with Big Sed. He ate a little tuna and gave Hubby headbutts of love and even purred for the first time in days. When I got up he was back to hiding under my son's bed looking totally out of it. I spent some time laying on the hallway floor with him after I managed to coax him out. He was clearly feeling like shit. We got the kid out the door after he said his goodbyes.

Sedi came downstairs and I hand fed him some leftover salmon. He ate a bit. I offered him some milk out of a bowl that I held for him. He enjoyed that too. Afterwards I had to wipe his chin like he was an infant. Killed me to see my proud Lion-Boy so unable to attend to himself. Around 10am I managed to convince Sedi to get on the couch with me. We took a peaceful, blissful 45 minute nap together. I saw him truly relax for the first time since Saturday. He was content. I was content too. That meant the world to me.

My boy after our nap. I'm going to miss that smirk of contentment.

Around 1115 I printed out and filled out the paperwork the vet had sent to me. I broke down and could hardly speak in coherent sentences to Hubby. This shit was real ya'll. When the vet arrived at 1155 we were as ready as we were going to be. She went over the process with us. She made it all as easy as it could possibly be. Sedi was hiding under the covers of our bed (as usual). She told us that she could easily do the procedure there. If that's where HE was comfortable being then there was no need to bring him elsewhere. She wanted to make sure it was as stress free for him as possible. She even sprayed herself with a feline calming spray.

We went upstairs and I put my hands on him while Rhett held the sheet up to block Sedi from seeing Vanessa. She didn't talk as she knew he was fearful of strangers. She gave him the sedative which took a few to hit him. In true fighter fashion Sedi tried to run off. I wrapped him gently in my arms, laid down beside him and held him to me so the sedative could start to work it's magic. He was scared and it killed me. I kept kissing his head and telling him I love him. I reminded him that I promised to NEVER let anyone hurt him and I wasn't about to go back on that promise. He relaxed and she gave us time to say goodbye. I laid his head on my pillow and I never let go of him. I kissed him a million plus times. I apologized over and over again. I told him thank you for the love he'd given me, thank you for the love he'd given all of us. I sobbed. I shook.

We told her it was time and she injected the final medicine. She warned us that he might give one final gasp. He didn't. He drifted off easily and quickly like he'd been waiting for it and welcomed it. She let us know he was truly gone. They both gave me a few minutes alone with him.

I kissed him a million more times. Admired his gorgeous fur. Held his little paws as he'd let me do so often. I tried to soak up every ounce of love that I could from him while I still had him with me. I put my head to his chest and for two seconds I let myself believe I still heard his heart or felt a breath. I thought "What if he's really not dead? What if this is a scam and she's some crazy person who sells peoples pets to labs so they can experiment on them?" Rational thinking so obviously was NOT happening at this point.

I wrapped his body in the lovely blanket she'd provided. Hubby offered to carry him downstairs and I refused the offer. I held him as close to my heart as I could. Vanessa said I could carry him out to her car which I did. I placed him in a little bed that she'd provided in her backseat. I kissed his head again and hugged Vanessa. We talked about the cremation center and all the details surrounding that. This was truly the best way we could have opted to do this for our fella. No stress of taking him to the vet. No eyes of strangers watching us as we cried.

We walked inside, closed the front door and I promptly collapsed on my hallway floor. I wrapped my arms as tightly around myself as I could while sobs that I couldn't control came from a place inside that I didn't know existed. I felt like I was going to shatter into thousands of pieces if I moved. I finally got up off the floor and talked to hubby. I know it was just his body that was left but the thought of someone else taking my beloved boy away from me was more than I could bear. It's still driving a knife into my heart as I type this. I wanted him to be here with us. Alive, breathing, yelling at me for food, laying on a book so I couldn't read it.

I hardly recall anything after that point. I know that at bedtime I held tight to the pillow that he was resting on and I cried myself to sleep. This morning I thought I saw him on the cat tree when I got up and the tears started anew. I've cried on and off for the 4.5 hours I've been up. I don't know when the tears will stop.

I've lost loved one like grandparents before but I've never lost anyone that was a constant in my life every single day for so long. Grief is something that I've not experienced before. The sadness, the loss comes out of nowhere...like a tidal wave! It knocks me down, leave me sobbing and I can't keep it contained. I thought I'd take it to the pavement and run this morning but I'm too tired. I feel....defeated I guess is a good word. Broken and defeated.

Time will move on and things will get easier.  I know that my best buddy has found a big piece of brand new carpet to rip to shreds and an ever flowing supply of treats. He's at peace now and someday, I will be at peace with that too. For now, I cry, I rage, I hurt. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe it won't. I put one foot in front of the other and keep on moving. That's all we can do right? Thanks for being a part of this journey friends/family/blog readers.

Decisions Have Been Made

After I published my post earlier Hubby and I had a long tearful talk about Sedi. He's drooling now. His eyes are looking wonky. His fur is matted and he's hardly even eating the canned tuna that tempted him yesterday. My once regal lion of a cat is fading fast. I see that and I know what the next step is.

Hubby called the vet who provides in home euthanasia. His voice cracked and he started to cry as he left our details for her to return his call. He said it made it even more real that this is happening. She called us back and he chatted with her for a bit. We were hoping she could come early tomorrow morning right after the Kid goes to school so we'd have time to get our shit together before we pick him up at the end of the day. She can't come til 330pm. We'll deal.

We've decided that we are going to have Sedi cremated and his ashes returned to us. I ordered a lovely lotus flower urn to put his remains in. I've said for years now that Sedi will remain with me til I die, then we'll be scattered off a mountain together. I wasn't joking.

We talked to the Kid about what's happening. We ALL think it's best that he's not here when the procedure happens. I have an amazing group of friends, several of which stepped up to offer a play date after school tomorrow. My friend T is picking him up after school is out to go play with her clan. That'll buy us some time tomorrow to do what we need to do.

Tonight is going to be a long night. I'm going to allow myself to feel whatever I need to feel and to react however I need to react. I'm going to miss the shit out of my old fella and that's all there is to is. For now, I'll cuddle him as much as he'll allow. I'll let him eat all the canned fish he wants to eat.

Hold your pets a little closer tonight my friends. Give them extra love and cuddles. Tell them you love them. Tell them that an amazingly wonderful kitty is going to earn his wings tomorrow. That's all I got y'all. Til next time.

September 13th, 2014 before he started going down hill

How Do You Say Goodbye?

This post has nothing to do with fitness or food. This post is about a very real, very personal struggle of a whole different type.

I'll start off with a story. 15 years ago I was living in a little house that my Grandma owned. The word got out that I was a crazy cat lady. I had several kitties that I fed in my yard on a regular basis. Two tabby kittens showed up one day. They took up residence in my flower pot. I thought they were both males. I named them Mao Mao and Otis. Both spent some time with me and then went their own way.

Fast forward to a few months later. Mao Mao showed back up looking strangely chunky. Quickly realized he was a she and she was due to have some babies. Mao Mao had her babies in my yard under an old tractor. She had three total. One orange and white fluff ball (I fell in love immediately) , one orange tabby and one grey tabby that looked just like her. She moved them under my steps for a while then totally disappeared with them.

Fast forward to several weeks later. It was a cold winter evening. I came home from work and was walking up my front stairs. I hear a tiny "MEW!" from the bushes. Up came Mao Mao hold the orange tabby (Maurice I named him). She looked at my door then looked at me. I said "do you wan to bring your babies inside?" and I opened the door for her. She walked right in, plopped him down on the floor and went back out for kitten #2. She showed up with the grey female (Zella). She came right in and laid down to nurse. I waited for her to go back out for my fave kitten. She didn't. I called my Dad in a panic! He told me to put her outside...she may have forgotten about him while she got comfy with the others. I put her out and she was back in a few with the forgotten kitten. He was shivering with cold. I named him Sedrick. They all stayed with me for several months.

It was obvious to me right off the bat that Sedi was something special. He loved me and sought out my affection over his Mom's. He was the first of the kittens to purr, he slept curled in a little ball by my chin and when I was on the couch, he was there too in my lap...demanding all of my love. Mao Mao got spayed and went back outside (I had two other kitties already indoors). Zella and Maurice went to a shelter where they were adopted very quickly.

Sedrick stayed with me. Eventually, reluctantly my two older female cats learned to tolerate his antics. He was a constant source of entertainment and the biggest attention whore I'd ever met. I went through some VERY dark times where I felt totally alone. If it weren't for the creatures at home depending on me for food, love and shelter I'd have probably not gone home at all half the time.

About 2 weeks ago I noticed he was looking skinnier. Sedi's always been a chunky monkey (in his golden years especially). I have been keeping an eye on him. Saturday I noticed he was looking really skinny, wasn't eating much and seemed withdrawn. I immediately took him to a vet that could fit him in that day. They weighed him and we audibly gasped at his current weight. He'd lost almost 7lbs in two weeks. That's a very rapid, worrisome loss. She drew labs and said she'd call me Monday. I looked her in the eye and said "is there something you are concerned about"...she said liver disease or kidney disease and I saw that she knew something was wrong but she didn't want to alarm me.

I brought him home and the tears started. I know my best friend well.  I watched him almost drag himself up the stairs and collapse on the middle stair from the effort it took. I watched him walk like he was in pain with every step. I saw my best friend...my first child in a sense..hurting. I knew something was up. Sure enough, she called me on Monday and told me the results.... Pancreatitis and Renal Failure. She said to me "I'm so sorry...I was hoping for better news". I called the other vet in town who'd seen our other kitty Leo recently. They fit me in yesterday afternoon. The vet there went over his lab numbers with me. They were bad....VERY bad.

Sedi kissing the tears away though he was hurting

Long and short of it is my best buddy's body is shutting down. He's in the process of dying. She said I could spend a ton of money and he'd spend a ton of time in the hospital but with his numbers, that would only buy us a few weeks at best. I asked her "If this were YOUR beloved pet, what would YOU do?" She told me she'd let him go. He's very sick. He's suffering. We decided to give him a pain and fluids injection that would give him 3 days of relief so we can say goodbye. I left that vet's office sobbing hysterically. I left there knowing I was bringing my friend home to die.

Getting some love from Hubby

Sedrick has been the one constant in my life for FOURTEEN years! He's been with me for several big moves, a divorce, my marriage to Rhett, the birth of my son and he's ALWAYS given me nothing but love. He has been the most loyal and loving friend I've ever had. He sleeps curled up by my side every single night. He yells at me and demands my affection every single day.He taught me about love. He taught my son about compassion for a pet. He has given me more love than I can even begin to describe. He's let me cry into his fur countless hours and has asked for nothing in return but my affection. How do I let go of this? How do I say goodbye? He's going to leave the biggest hole in my heart ever.

He's loved....so deeply loved here 

I feel completely and utterly shattered over this. I'm consumed by my sadness. Sleep eludes me and food doesn't even have any flavor. I have moments where I'm ok then everything around me crumbles into a crying fit. I've cried more tears than I thought possible. I have more to shed. I've sobbed more heart breaking sobs than I have in my life over the past few days. I have more to come. I owe him a peaceful end and he'll have that. My husband says I'll know when the time is right to call the vet. I hope he's correct. I feel like I'm trying to put an expiration date on my best friend's life. It hurts guys. It hurts so badly that I feel like I can't breath. I don't know how to make this better.

This is what sadness looks like....3 days of crying and real sadness 

Past Vs Present

Yesterday "C",who I'm pretty sure is one of my long lost sisters, was chatting with me on Facebook. She said the following to me--
"Yo.  Feedback on your latest blog post...
in the pic you were slim.  Now you are not only slim, but a freaking muscled, strong, dedicated beast!
People use you as inspiration.  Don't compare yourself to when you were skinny.
Your accomplishments far outweigh a few lbs of body fat
You're awesome. Know it."

She's amazing and knew that I needed to hear this for a kick in the pants. ;) She's a fellow running/lifting Mommy who is currently training for her first full marathon which is in a couple of weeks. Rock that shit like I know you can "C"!

I had another friend ask me for help on her journey to getting healthier. I happily said yes and sent her some ideas. Made me feel good that she trusts me enough to ask me for advice.

I started thinking back to the beginning of my getting healthy. Started thinking about WHY I chose to do it in the first place. It wasn't to be fast, it wasn't to be the best...it was about being a good role model for my son and about taking control of my health instead of ending up with heart issues and diabetes which both run in my family. I started looking back at old photos....when I was at my heaviest and unhealthiest.

Here's a comparison then vs now.  In the old pic I was all fat underneath that shirt. I was a size 12 verging on size 14. I'm NOT saying 12 is fat before anyone gets offended. I'm saying that I personally at this size was solid fat under that shirt. I'm 5ft2in and for my build the amount of body fat that I had was VERY unhealthy! Worse yet,  I  could hardly walk up stairs without getting winded and  a 6 mile hike with hilly trails was out of the question.

The 2014 photo was taken yesterday after my leg workout at my gym. I'm a solid size 4 (sometimes a 2, maybe even a 6 in smaller sized brands). The size I wear is neither here nor there, just wanted to include it for comparison sake. Now I rarely ever get winded unless I'm running hard. Now I RUN up those hills with my strong capable legs. I can carry my 70 lb kid upstairs without fear of dropping him. My family is healthier because of the choices I made. I feel good about that!


I've never been called an inspiration in my life up until recently. In the past several months that words has come up in various conversations with friends new and old.

in·spi·ra·tion noun \
: something that makes someone want to do something or that gives someone an idea about what to do or create : a force or influence that inspires someone
: a person, place, experience, etc., that makes someone want to do or create something
: a good idea

I know that isn't a hollow compliment. I think that I should tell you guys, specifically the kind people who have said this word to me, thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. I feel honored that anyone would say that to me or about me. I didn't set out on this path to inspire anyone but if I've managed to help even one person by sharing my story then I feel pretty freaking good. I'm not an expert on anything by any means nor do I pretend to be. I still struggle with trying to figure out what works for me, with how far I should take it, with all the things that I've shared on this blog countless times. I'm just a girl, doing the best I can. Live, love, move and eat! :) That's all I've got for today. 

WWKRD?

What would Kenny Rogers Do? He'd say "You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em. Know when to walk away and know when to run". Wise words Kenny.

Since March 17th of 2012 I've been a member of My Fitness Pal. From that date up until July of this year, I posted and tracked my food daily. I ended my log in streak with a break to enjoy my beach trip with my family and to work on practicing eating as my body asked me to instead of based on a goal. When I came back from that break I realized just how much time and effort I'd put into tracking all the time. I realized that I CAN do this without the crutch. My tracking never resumed and my posting became less and less.

So, here's what REALLY sealed the deal for me----3 days ago I was looking at old race photos. I came across the pics from my first half marathon. I started looking through the whole album and came across the packet pickup pics. I saw how happy I looked, how LEAN I looked, how healthy I looked. I'll share a pic so you can see what I saw.

I took a long hard look at where I'm at right now. I know those jeans I was rocking wouldn't button over the layer of fat I have on my stomach right now. I started thinking about what I weighed then vs. now, how I was training then vs. now, what I was eating then vs now. I went back and looked it all up on MFP. I started feeling worse and worse about where I'm at RIGHT NOW. I started comparing myself to this past version of me. Downward spiral y'all. It's bad enough that I compare myself to other people which is a very bad idea but to compare myself to this - what I perceive as a healthier version of me - is just totally ridiculous! 

I've been in a total funk since then. Second guessing everything. Did you know in this photo I was eating regular, gluten filled foods with NO issues? Typical runner's diet. Not really any issues outside of bloat etc which I STILL get now on occasion. I've been thinking about why I changed what was working for me. I started idealizing a specific type of body...more muscle, etc. I started trying what was working for people on my friends list. I started researching and looking for other things. Wanting more...more muscle, more changes..not being happy with where I was. Also clearly a bad idea. Dietary tweaks left and right...treating my body like I'm a 200 lb. dude. Trying to hit this macro and that macro...basically burning myself out with the constant worry of "Am I doing this right???"

So, here I sit, 10 lbs heavier than this photo with a tiny bit more muscle but way more fat than I care to admit. Bordering on tears because I feel like I'm trying and seeing nothing but backtracking. I log on to MFP and see people celebrating victories left and right. I can't keep comparing myself to them. I can't let myself have access to my old food journals and old weigh ins... I use them as a way to put myself down and to further berate myself for not being what I see as an ideal size for me. Today, I took Kenny's advice. I folded. I walked away. I hit delete. Farewell MFP. You served me well for a long time. Now I need to figure out how to do this on my own. No comparisons allowed. Not even to the old me. 

Love yourself, Peeps. You are the only you in this whole crazy world! 

I Don't Know How To Love

This morning it really hit home for me. I don't know how to love. It's ME that I struggle to love and value as you guys already know. After my shower I caught a glimpse of myself in all my natural glory. I started immediately picking myself apart. I looked at my belly and started the smoosh/pinch/grab technique...ladies, don't even pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about.

I stopped, closed my eyes, took a deep breath and said "Enough is enough! This shit is getting old!" Damn it, I eat to fuel my athletic performance (GIVE ME ALL THE CARBS) and I just raced yesterday. Of course I'm having a fluffy day. I raced like a boss and it's because I don't starve myself for a specific look. I train hard and eat well because I want to be strong and capable. Yes, that means I might have a little more jiggle on the middle than I want. Yes, that means that after a particularly taxing race or workout my smaller sized pants might possibly be snug. 

I KNOW that I could diet down and get shredded if I chose to. I know all the techniques and I know what I'd have to do. I just choose not to because I don't want to live in such a restrictive way if I'm not going to be competing in a show or walking around in a bikini. I need to be ok with not looking like a physique model. Honestly, I don't know that I'd even be happy with myself at that point. I'd probably stand buck naked in front of my mirror and say "oh look, my quads are big enough" or something equally ridiculous. Blah. 

 I need to learn to own the things that I can do well and to be proud of my accomplishments. I had more than one person tell me yesterday and today that I'm inspiring to them. Me inspiring? I totally downplayed their heartfelt compliments in my head because I don't think I'm anything more than a girl who likes to push herself. Why do I do that? Why is it impossible for me to take a compliment to heart? It makes my dear hubby NUTS and has for years. Another thing to work on.

I guess I just needed to post about my eternal internal struggle. Makes it more real and makes it known that I need to work on it. How do YOU feel good about yourself if you do? If you've struggled with self acceptance, how did you achieve it? I welcome any and all advice on this!

Drag N Fly 10k Recap

This morning I ran a VERY hilly 10k out at Contra Loma Regional Park. I didn't have high hopes for myself as I've had knee/shin/calf issues the past few days and last night's sleep was craptastic. Yesterday I threw down some extra carbs and hydrated til my eyeballs were swimming. Woke up this morning around 540, got dressed, ate some yams with almond butter and washed that down with some OJ. We left the house around 620. Got to the race site, picked up my packet and swag then had tons of time to kill. No worries. I always have to use the dang bathroom 27 times before a race. ;) Right before we started I ate 2 of my Honey Stinger chews as I was feeling a little tired already.


Timer went off and we got started.

The first part wasn't too bad THEN we hit the hills. Holy crap. Seriously. I only saw a few people actually able to run the hills the entire time. Pretty sure they were part mountain goat or something. One lady flew by me, I knew she was going to the first female finisher. Around mile 2.5 another lady managed to pass me. I knew she was going to be my target for the entire race. I wasn't sure if she was in my age group and damn it...I wanted to place! I actually enjoyed the competitiveness of the run. This lady and another lady were the 2 that I kept passing/being passed by. The trails were dry with lots of loose rocks. I was scared at first. Pretty sure I've mentioned my fear of downhill running in a previous post. Then something inside me said..."Screw this! You came to run...not be a pansy!" and I decided to haul ass as best I could on the downhills too. Felt good to push myself and to not be scared. I figured if I'm gonna get hurt, might as well make it a good story! LOL!

I felt pretty good the entire run. It got a bit warm out there..think brutal sun with no shade...good times. I made sure to sip from my hydration pack often. I tried a new electrolyte liquid in my water today. I liked it a lot. No taste and I didn't feel any calf cramps or issues the entire time. Ended up having 2 more Honey Stinger chews around mile 6 just to kick that last .64 in the booty. Yeah, this race was 6.64 instead of 6.25. **Shakes fist at the Brazen organizer**

 I was SO happy to see that finish line! Hubby's face was registering total shock when I found him in the crowd. He wasn't expecting to see me for another 10 plus minutes. He said he was really happy that he was sitting where he was so he could capture a great finish photo for me.

My official time was 1:04:25 which is FIVE minutes off my last 10k trail from 2012. Whoooo! I was the 3rd female across and I took first place in my age group. So yeah, I feel pretty good about my efforts today! I met up with the 2 ladies I'd previously mentioned and high fived them. We all congratulated each other on a job well done and a race well raced. Turns out we each placed 1st in our age groups. We all agreed it was awesome to have other ladies at similar paces to help push us. Competitiveness and comradery at it's best right there y'all! Beautiful thing to be a part of!

My kid was ready to hit the snack table and holy crap were there snacks. Sadly, as usual, not a lot of options for me except fruit and potato chips (mmmm salt). Luckily I'd packed a snack box for myself last night.

I chugged my coconut water and ate the smaller of the crispy rice treats. Honestly I wasn't that hungry. I was just thirsty! I grabbed my finisher medal (yay Brazen! I love you for having medals for top placers) and we rolled out. Stopped by Starbucks drive thru for the most glorious cup of dark roast EVER. Yeah, I brought my own coconut milk. I drank every single drop. So good.

Now I'm home, showered (you are all welcome) and happily on the couch in my PJs. I had a nice healthy lunch of leftovers...butternut squash, yam greens, garlic ginger steak bites, bison meatballs with roasted tomatoes and some pineapple. Tonight after the kid goes to bed I'll be cracking open a well earned bottle of vino. I'm thinking about signing up for the next Brazen race which is next month. Hmmmmmm....challenges. I do love them so! ;)

Race Pros and Cons---
Pros--
Awesome shirt
Awesome medals
Well organized
Clearly marked course
Plenty of aid stations
Lots of bathrooms
Great post race snack buffet
Places to take age group photos
Results posted online quickly
Super cool vintage Brazen shirts for only $5!! Sadly I had no cash or I'd have come home with a pile.

Cons--
Snack table was tough for a GF girl but that's typical so I can't complain too much
No finisher's awards ceremony
Medal engraving was $20 instead of free for the people who placed. No thanks.