Tuesday evening I contacted Dr Vanessa to let her know that I was concerned Sedi was taking a nose dive pretty quickly. He'd started drooling all the time, wasn't eating hardly at all (not even the various canned fished I offered), was withdrawn and looked very disoriented. He was suffering and it was awful to see. She was supposed to come at 330pm yesterday but she rearranged her schedule and let me know she'd be at our house around noon.
Hubby got up early and spent some tearful moments with Big Sed. He ate a little tuna and gave Hubby headbutts of love and even purred for the first time in days. When I got up he was back to hiding under my son's bed looking totally out of it. I spent some time laying on the hallway floor with him after I managed to coax him out. He was clearly feeling like shit. We got the kid out the door after he said his goodbyes.
Sedi came downstairs and I hand fed him some leftover salmon. He ate a bit. I offered him some milk out of a bowl that I held for him. He enjoyed that too. Afterwards I had to wipe his chin like he was an infant. Killed me to see my proud Lion-Boy so unable to attend to himself. Around 10am I managed to convince Sedi to get on the couch with me. We took a peaceful, blissful 45 minute nap together. I saw him truly relax for the first time since Saturday. He was content. I was content too. That meant the world to me.
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| My boy after our nap. I'm going to miss that smirk of contentment. |
Around 1115 I printed out and filled out the paperwork the vet had sent to me. I broke down and could hardly speak in coherent sentences to Hubby. This shit was real ya'll. When the vet arrived at 1155 we were as ready as we were going to be. She went over the process with us. She made it all as easy as it could possibly be. Sedi was hiding under the covers of our bed (as usual). She told us that she could easily do the procedure there. If that's where HE was comfortable being then there was no need to bring him elsewhere. She wanted to make sure it was as stress free for him as possible. She even sprayed herself with a feline calming spray.
We went upstairs and I put my hands on him while Rhett held the sheet up to block Sedi from seeing Vanessa. She didn't talk as she knew he was fearful of strangers. She gave him the sedative which took a few to hit him. In true fighter fashion Sedi tried to run off. I wrapped him gently in my arms, laid down beside him and held him to me so the sedative could start to work it's magic. He was scared and it killed me. I kept kissing his head and telling him I love him. I reminded him that I promised to NEVER let anyone hurt him and I wasn't about to go back on that promise. He relaxed and she gave us time to say goodbye. I laid his head on my pillow and I never let go of him. I kissed him a million plus times. I apologized over and over again. I told him thank you for the love he'd given me, thank you for the love he'd given all of us. I sobbed. I shook.
We told her it was time and she injected the final medicine. She warned us that he might give one final gasp. He didn't. He drifted off easily and quickly like he'd been waiting for it and welcomed it. She let us know he was truly gone. They both gave me a few minutes alone with him.
I kissed him a million more times. Admired his gorgeous fur. Held his little paws as he'd let me do so often. I tried to soak up every ounce of love that I could from him while I still had him with me. I put my head to his chest and for two seconds I let myself believe I still heard his heart or felt a breath. I thought "What if he's really not dead? What if this is a scam and she's some crazy person who sells peoples pets to labs so they can experiment on them?" Rational thinking so obviously was NOT happening at this point.
I wrapped his body in the lovely blanket she'd provided. Hubby offered to carry him downstairs and I refused the offer. I held him as close to my heart as I could. Vanessa said I could carry him out to her car which I did. I placed him in a little bed that she'd provided in her backseat. I kissed his head again and hugged Vanessa. We talked about the cremation center and all the details surrounding that. This was truly the best way we could have opted to do this for our fella. No stress of taking him to the vet. No eyes of strangers watching us as we cried.
We walked inside, closed the front door and I promptly collapsed on my hallway floor. I wrapped my arms as tightly around myself as I could while sobs that I couldn't control came from a place inside that I didn't know existed. I felt like I was going to shatter into thousands of pieces if I moved. I finally got up off the floor and talked to hubby. I know it was just his body that was left but the thought of someone else taking my beloved boy away from me was more than I could bear. It's still driving a knife into my heart as I type this. I wanted him to be here with us. Alive, breathing, yelling at me for food, laying on a book so I couldn't read it.
I hardly recall anything after that point. I know that at bedtime I held tight to the pillow that he was resting on and I cried myself to sleep. This morning I thought I saw him on the cat tree when I got up and the tears started anew. I've cried on and off for the 4.5 hours I've been up. I don't know when the tears will stop.
I've lost loved one like grandparents before but I've never lost anyone that was a constant in my life every single day for so long. Grief is something that I've not experienced before. The sadness, the loss comes out of nowhere...like a tidal wave! It knocks me down, leave me sobbing and I can't keep it contained. I thought I'd take it to the pavement and run this morning but I'm too tired. I feel....defeated I guess is a good word. Broken and defeated.
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