How Do You Say Goodbye?

This post has nothing to do with fitness or food. This post is about a very real, very personal struggle of a whole different type.

I'll start off with a story. 15 years ago I was living in a little house that my Grandma owned. The word got out that I was a crazy cat lady. I had several kitties that I fed in my yard on a regular basis. Two tabby kittens showed up one day. They took up residence in my flower pot. I thought they were both males. I named them Mao Mao and Otis. Both spent some time with me and then went their own way.

Fast forward to a few months later. Mao Mao showed back up looking strangely chunky. Quickly realized he was a she and she was due to have some babies. Mao Mao had her babies in my yard under an old tractor. She had three total. One orange and white fluff ball (I fell in love immediately) , one orange tabby and one grey tabby that looked just like her. She moved them under my steps for a while then totally disappeared with them.

Fast forward to several weeks later. It was a cold winter evening. I came home from work and was walking up my front stairs. I hear a tiny "MEW!" from the bushes. Up came Mao Mao hold the orange tabby (Maurice I named him). She looked at my door then looked at me. I said "do you wan to bring your babies inside?" and I opened the door for her. She walked right in, plopped him down on the floor and went back out for kitten #2. She showed up with the grey female (Zella). She came right in and laid down to nurse. I waited for her to go back out for my fave kitten. She didn't. I called my Dad in a panic! He told me to put her outside...she may have forgotten about him while she got comfy with the others. I put her out and she was back in a few with the forgotten kitten. He was shivering with cold. I named him Sedrick. They all stayed with me for several months.

It was obvious to me right off the bat that Sedi was something special. He loved me and sought out my affection over his Mom's. He was the first of the kittens to purr, he slept curled in a little ball by my chin and when I was on the couch, he was there too in my lap...demanding all of my love. Mao Mao got spayed and went back outside (I had two other kitties already indoors). Zella and Maurice went to a shelter where they were adopted very quickly.

Sedrick stayed with me. Eventually, reluctantly my two older female cats learned to tolerate his antics. He was a constant source of entertainment and the biggest attention whore I'd ever met. I went through some VERY dark times where I felt totally alone. If it weren't for the creatures at home depending on me for food, love and shelter I'd have probably not gone home at all half the time.

About 2 weeks ago I noticed he was looking skinnier. Sedi's always been a chunky monkey (in his golden years especially). I have been keeping an eye on him. Saturday I noticed he was looking really skinny, wasn't eating much and seemed withdrawn. I immediately took him to a vet that could fit him in that day. They weighed him and we audibly gasped at his current weight. He'd lost almost 7lbs in two weeks. That's a very rapid, worrisome loss. She drew labs and said she'd call me Monday. I looked her in the eye and said "is there something you are concerned about"...she said liver disease or kidney disease and I saw that she knew something was wrong but she didn't want to alarm me.

I brought him home and the tears started. I know my best friend well.  I watched him almost drag himself up the stairs and collapse on the middle stair from the effort it took. I watched him walk like he was in pain with every step. I saw my best friend...my first child in a sense..hurting. I knew something was up. Sure enough, she called me on Monday and told me the results.... Pancreatitis and Renal Failure. She said to me "I'm so sorry...I was hoping for better news". I called the other vet in town who'd seen our other kitty Leo recently. They fit me in yesterday afternoon. The vet there went over his lab numbers with me. They were bad....VERY bad.

Sedi kissing the tears away though he was hurting

Long and short of it is my best buddy's body is shutting down. He's in the process of dying. She said I could spend a ton of money and he'd spend a ton of time in the hospital but with his numbers, that would only buy us a few weeks at best. I asked her "If this were YOUR beloved pet, what would YOU do?" She told me she'd let him go. He's very sick. He's suffering. We decided to give him a pain and fluids injection that would give him 3 days of relief so we can say goodbye. I left that vet's office sobbing hysterically. I left there knowing I was bringing my friend home to die.

Getting some love from Hubby

Sedrick has been the one constant in my life for FOURTEEN years! He's been with me for several big moves, a divorce, my marriage to Rhett, the birth of my son and he's ALWAYS given me nothing but love. He has been the most loyal and loving friend I've ever had. He sleeps curled up by my side every single night. He yells at me and demands my affection every single day.He taught me about love. He taught my son about compassion for a pet. He has given me more love than I can even begin to describe. He's let me cry into his fur countless hours and has asked for nothing in return but my affection. How do I let go of this? How do I say goodbye? He's going to leave the biggest hole in my heart ever.

He's loved....so deeply loved here 

I feel completely and utterly shattered over this. I'm consumed by my sadness. Sleep eludes me and food doesn't even have any flavor. I have moments where I'm ok then everything around me crumbles into a crying fit. I've cried more tears than I thought possible. I have more to shed. I've sobbed more heart breaking sobs than I have in my life over the past few days. I have more to come. I owe him a peaceful end and he'll have that. My husband says I'll know when the time is right to call the vet. I hope he's correct. I feel like I'm trying to put an expiration date on my best friend's life. It hurts guys. It hurts so badly that I feel like I can't breath. I don't know how to make this better.

This is what sadness looks like....3 days of crying and real sadness