Whole 30 Day 15--Yep, still tired

Woke up exhausted. No run for me. This exhaustion thing is pissing me off. Made a dr's appt to get my levels on everything checked to make sure it's not something other than the dietary switch up.


Breakfast--No grain hot "cereal" with almond butter, coconut milk coffee and orange slices

Snack on the go-- Cherry Lara Bar, date bite
Lunch on the go-- Lamb steak salad with chili evoo and jalapeno balsamic and a nectarine/grapes

Snack--Macadamia nuts, black tea with gelatin, almonds with raisins
Dinner-- Sloppy joes with yams and kale (topped with leftover avocado pesto). Super yummy and filling!

Whole 30 Day 14--Did I Really Just Agree To This?

Decided to extend out to Whole 60. Yep..this should be an interesting experiment! ;)
Woke up feeling mostly rested. Today we are headed to the pool to relax and hang out.
No big plans otherwise. Kiddo starts school Wednesday so I'm gearing up for that. Not sure what
to do in terms of my strength being down. I love being strong in the gym...wish that could return.
I'm not sure I can get in enough calories to fuel my lifting if I don't snack! Must tweak.

Oh...and I realize that the Whole 30 rules say NO pancakes but seriously...I have to make something
that the kid will eat too. Yesterday's pancakes were bananas/eggs/egg whites and cinnamon...I'm ok with that. I'm not making them to satisfy a craving or to trick my brain so it's all good.

Had a big crash by 10am. Felt so tired I could hardly walk. Weird. Chilled by the pool and swam
a little bit. Feeling ok now..just a little tired still. I think I really need to up the fats.

Breakfast--Scrambled duck eggs with leftover grilled chicken apple sausages, yam greens and
roasted rosemary baby potatoes, fresh fruit and the usual coffee.

Snack--  Had a Lara bar (luckily) so we could hit the grocery store after the pool.
Lunch--Leftover extravaganza of wings, lamb kabobs, grilled fish, zucchini noodles with eggplant and watermelon. Also had a few Go Raw "cookies" and the leftover coffee from this morning with coconut milk.




Snack-- Dried mango. Biltong (amazing cured meat from a friend)

Dinner-- Lamb steaks with avocado pest and a side of power greens with bacon and cherry tomatoes. 

Whole 30 Day 13

Woke up feeling decently rested. Hubby and I hit a spin class after breakfast. Still feeling a bit wiped out in terms of strength but otherwise ok. Pants still aren't fitting well. I think I'm going to ditch the Psyllium husk capsules I take daily to see if that helps.

Breakfast-- Pancakes (duck eggs, egg whites, bananas and cinnamon) with crunchy almond butter, bacon, blueberries and coconut milk coffee.

PWO snack-- Split a Turkey Epic bar with hubby and sampled fruit at the farmers market.
Lunch-- Leftover wings, sauteed carrots, sauteed yam green, fruit and a small coconut milk coffee.

Snack-- 2 dates and a handful of macadamias, a few roasted potatoes from the oven, Go Raw "cookies"
Dinner-- Lamb kabobs, grilled peppers, grilled chicken apple sausage and Moringa sauteed with organic
baby tomatoes.

Whole 30 Day 12--Please Hurry Tiger Blood

Less bloated thankfully. It's a rest day and I'm taking the kid to an amusement park.
Good stuff! Bringing my compliant salad with me as usual. I don't take chances with snack bar "grilled chicken salads" as they usual contain stuff that makes me feel like crap.

Breakfast--Fried plantains, berries, coffee with coconut milk and egg scramble (eggs, bacon, power greens cooked in the bacon fat)

Lunch-- Roasted chicken, salad greens, amazingly delish tomatoes, Armanian cucumbers, green chili evoo, jalapeno balsamic and 2 HB eggs along with a pluot.

Snack--Lara Bar, banana with almond butter and small spoonful of coconut butter
Dinner--Steak with zucchini ribbons and eggplant. Totally yum!

Totally dived down in terms of energy after lunch. I think it was due to being out in the sun/heat more than dietary though. Tomorrow we hit the gym for a spin class. Whooo.

Whole 30 Day 11--Why the hell don't my pants fit?

Def more energy today. Feeling pretty unhappy with how fat I look right now. Belly is super bloated.
No clue why? I don't understand how people say they lost 10 lbs while doing Whole 30. Guessing those must be people who have a lot to lose? I'm NOT doing this to lose weight by the way. I just am in a funky place with body image today. Quad still pissed so I'm headed to the gym to work upper body/core.
Hoping a day or so of rest/rolling/stretching will help. Sugar cravings are zero. I think I could commit
to a Whole 60 if the hubby was on board.

Updated about my crappy workout in my earlier post--

Breakfast--Pumpkin porridge with pecans and raisins, fresh peach and coffee with coconut milk.
Post Workout Snack--Epic Bison Bar
Lunch--Leftover riced cauliflower from last night's dinner with an extra duck egg and a date bite
So much for not snacking...I was still hungry! 2 hard boiled eggs and 2 slices of bacon for a snack.

Dinner--Mango chicken wings, sauteed greens and sauteed shredded carrots for dinner. Spoonful of
coconut butter.

Headed to bed with a bit of a rumble in my tummy (still hungry) and a belly so bloated that my fat pants
are uncomfortable. This blows.

I Want It ALL!!!!

Today I got out of bed, took one look at my bare ass and floppy belly while I was changing for the gym and fell into a familiar, unhappy place with regards to my body. **sigh** WHEN will I ever learn to love myself and to see the good? Headed to the new gym with little dude. Checked him into the kid's club, put my stuff in my locker and headed to the weight room for my first workout. Today I decided upper body was on the docket since my left quad is still angry. I decided a few weeks ago to stop tracking my food intake on MFP. I know how to eat. I just want to practice what I've learned instead of relying on an app to tell me what I'm doing. I knew that this might impact my performance with lifting as I'm not eating like a swole up dude anymore. I also knew that I had decided to hit an endurance phase with my training...less weight, more reps as I focus on my running a bit more. Yet, as I struggled with weights I'd normally toss around like Barbie weights, I felt defeated. I felt small, puny...like I didn't belong. I felt like an average,out of shape, 40 year old mom and housewife and I freaking hated it. HATED IT! I wanted to leave within the first 5 minutes of beginning and cry in the locker room. I didn't but I wanted to.The weight room was packed which I also hated. I don't like other people seeing me struggle especially when I'm normally much stronger. Why do I give a shit what those people think though? I don't know any of them. They aren't important in my life. I finished my weighted workout and found a quiet place in a nook upstairs to do some core work. I liked it better there..alone with my music, a medicine ball and my strong core. Finished up, changed into my swim suit and took the kiddo to the pool. I felt utterly miserable every second I was in that bathing suit. Ridiculous. I gotta fix this shit and fast. Slippery slope for me to start with the self loathing again.

Again, I knew going in that my goals had changed, that my workout would be different. I want to run fast again. I want to enjoy my workouts. I want to stop pushing my body to be something it's not, yet I'm angry and feel like it failed me today. I want it ALL. I want to be STRONG and FAST...how do I find the balance to make that happen? I'm going to make myself nuts and suck all the joy out of working out again if I'm not careful. Tomorrow I rest. Saturday I do a spin class with the hubby (our first ever together)...These are both things I'll enjoy. I really need to think hard about what's important to me and set REALISTIC goals for myself.

That's all I've got for now...back later for the day of eats.

Whole 30 Day 10

Woke up better rested. Belly feels pretty bloated but I'm pretending it's fuel to run. ;) Started out for my
run to the track workout and my left quad was pissed. Hoped it would loosen up but it never did. Going to spend some much dreaded time stretching and rolling later. Did well on the track workout and the running in general otherwise.

Regarding the way I'm eating...I realize that snacking is frowned upon. Not sure I can go all day with NO snacks. I'll try tomorrow (will have to have a PWO after I lift) to see how I feel. Guess I need to up the portions consumed at my meal times?


Pre-run snack-- Water, dried mango and a spoonful of almond butter.
Post- run breakfast-- The last of the stuffed butternut squash topped with an egg, Hami melon and a cuppa coffee with full fat coconut milk.
Snack--- A few pieces of dried apple chips, 2 date bites, handful of dry roasted almonds and another small cuppa coffee
Lunch-- The last of the leftover coconut chicken with sweet potatoes and greens with some fruit
Snack--Took the kiddo to the movies. I made a trail mix of almonds, macadamias, dates and mango. Ate it all. Felt a little sickly. Had peppermint tea with gelatin before dinner.
Dinner-- Stir fried riced cauliflower with lamb, duck eggs and power greens. Totally yum. Had more than one helping. ;) 

Breakfast

Dinner

Whole 30 Day 9

Still wiped. No energy. Hoping tomorrow is better! I have a track workout at 7am. Been eating up the carbs today. Need to work on upping the fats too I think.

Breakfast--Leftover stuffed squash with an egg on top, fruit and the usual coffee
Lunch--Leftover chicken from last night with sweet potatoes and kale, fresh fruit
Snacks--Dried organic Mango, date bite and a delish young coconut
Dinner--Baked flounder, grilled pineapple, grilled green beans, grilled asparagus and grilled basil tomatoes

Unscheduled Rest Day and My Battle With Depression

Woke up after a good night's sleep and I'm STILL wiped out. No energy, can hardly think straight much less lift anything over a few pounds. What the heck? Is it Whole 30? Shouldn't be as I eat primarily paleo and not much sugar anyway. Is it emotional crap that I'm holding on to that I need to get off my chest? Is it from the 7 miles I ran on Sunday? I don't know but I want it to stop. I NEED my energy back. I need my mojo to workout to kick in. **sigh** It's SO hard for me to call an unscheduled rest day. It truly is. I'm deathly afraid of getting big again. Silly isn't it? Tomorrow is my track workout. We'll see how it goes! Today I rest and try to be productive in other ways. I did throw in a quick core/upper body workout in my home gym a little while ago. That was all I could muster the energy to do.

 Been thinking a lot about depression since I heard the news that Robin Williams took his life. Been reading people posting about how selfish he is. It's so easy to sit and judge someone when you have no clue what they are dealing with. Some friends know my battle with depression..most don't. In my early 20's,  I hit the darkest of dark places. Went as low as you can go. I was deafened and blinded by my sadness. I couldn't shake it no matter how I tried. I felt utterly alone though I had people who cared about me. I wanted the pain to end...so I tried to make that happen by taking a shit ton of sleeping pills.  Am I proud of what I put my family through? No, not at all. Do I feel good as I'm typing this for you all to read? No, not one bit. I can hardly see through the tears at this very moment. I still remember the taste and texture of charcoal as I was forced to drink it to induce vomiting. I remember the ER nurse saying "drink this or its the tube down your throat". I can tell you for certain that puking/crapping charcoal out is NOT something you want to do. I still cringe inside when I see charcoal in general. In my late 20's I got hit with a big round again. I was crippled by the sadness. I was numb. I couldn't get out of bed. My partner at the time told me I was being dramatic..being needy..he was not helpful in the slightest.  I NEED to share this with whomever might read it because I want you all to know that depression is real. It hurts! It stops you in your tracks and sucks out all the joy from your world. If you have a friend who is experiencing this, reach out to them. Talk to them. Try to visit with them. Don't push them to get out and "get into the world" though. Sometimes what they really need is the solace of their home/room/apartment/whatever and a friend to hold their hand while they try to find their way back to the light. If you haven't personally dealt with this, you might not get it. You might not know how much it truly hurts, how hard it is to deal with the daily routine and how hard it is to fight the good fight every damn day. You don't need to know...you just need to be there for them however you can. You might be able to save them from making a huge mistake.

Back later to post  my Whole 30 recap for the day. Xoxoxo...
MMM

Whole 30 Day 8

Totally and completely exhausted still. I got a decent night's sleep. Just
have NO energy.Still heck-a thirsty too. Upping the fats and trying to get in a bit more carbs. Hoping this will pass soon.

Breakfast--Egg baked in an avocado, bacon, sauteed Thai pepper greens, fruit and coffee with coconut milk
Lunch--Salad made with leftover chicken, fresh fruit
Snacks--Go Raw "cookies" (totally compliant), a few macadamias, some raisins and some tea with gelatin
Plantains fried in coconut oil and topped with coconut butter. Mmmmm fat and carbs!
Dinner--Coconut Lemongrass slow cooker drumsticks, sauteed kale cooked in avocado oil and sweet potato "noodles" cooked in ghee.