Progress No Matter How Small

Hi people. It's been a while. Sorry. I've had lots to say but nothing ever seems important enough to put out into the world. So, since I've been gone this happened!!!!!

Ok, not really BUT I have been on a strength gain cycle. Knee has kept me out of running so naturally it seemed a fine time to start with trying to gain some mass again. I've been taking Creatine, lifting as heavy as I can and trying to eat up all the good foods (and maybe a dozen or so naughty oatmeal cookies). I've seen some good progress in terms of getting stronger especially with leg strength.

I've been feeling pretty...ahem....chunky for lack of a better word lately. My jeans are snug (thank you yoga pants for existing) and I feel like I've got a lot of extra baggage in the middle. I'm trying to add on mass without adding too much extra blubber...SO HARD. Today I decided to step on the scale for the first time in a month. I saw a number 3.5 pounds higher than my last weigh in BUT my body fat % had dropped and my muscle mass had gone up. Now, I know that scales like this aren't super accurate and I have a hard time believing I've leaned out or gained much in terms of muscle. Though I have noticed that my quads are looking pretty beefed up especially in my workout pants so could it be that I'm doing it right FINALLY? I'm going to roll with these new numbers and keep doing my thing. Trying to decide if I should move up a size in my pants for now. I wore a new, size up pair of jeans yesterday. Felt great in the legs but kept slipping down when I moved around so maybe I need to just be ok with muffin top normal sized jeans? I hate pants. I think I want to live in skirts/dresses instead. That's another blog post I think.

I was actually super proud of myself for not freaking out over the new high number.Truth be told, I truly don't give a shit over what the scale says. I want to feel good in my clothing. If I end up weighing 140 lbs but am a compact, little powerhouse then so be it!

I know a few months ago I posted about saying goodbye to MFP. It's been awesome not tracking BUT I created a new account yesterday. I've decided that since I have VERY specific goals and that since I'm such a hard gainer, I'm going to use the tools out there to help me. I'm tracking for a short time to make sure I'm sniffing where I need to be sniffing with calories/macros. This won't be long term and I'm not adding friends etc. I don't need motivation or encouragement...I got that. I just need the numbers in front of me easily accessible.

Had a good talking to by SR who is the trainer of the bootcamp I'm hitting a few times a week. He got a no BS attitude and doesn't tend to sugar coat things. I appreciate that style. Was talking to him about my goals and about being frustrated over lack of progress. He said "The problem with you is, YOU ARE FIT! Your changes are small and your eyes are critical," That's very, very true. I am going to start recognizing the small changes and focusing on the now while keeping "the big"picture in mind
too.

Have a great day peeps..Next post is gonna be lots of food porn! :)

Worth A Read

Woke up this morning and this was in my inbox. Fantastic timing based on my recent post and worth reading. From Jill at JillFit Physiques---


My Go-To Strategy to Quit Body-Shaming

First off, you don’t wake up one morning and just love your body.

Learning to say nicer things about your body is a practice. And how do you begin a practice? Well, you just start. There’s no perfect time. But the three steps for me are:

Awareness. You catch yourself in those moments when you are doing the old thing, saying the old things, acting in those old ways. You try to stay mindful in that moment.
Choose a different response. A response that serves you.
And then keep doing that shit over and over again until it becomes automatic.
And the gateway to this practice for me has been … compliments.

Compliments. Praise. Whatever. Both giving them generously, and receiving them gracefully.

There is power in praise. And I find it curious how we dance around compliments in our society, on both sides. Let me explain.

On giving praise generously to others

At times we can feel reluctant to give praise because it feels like giving away our power – like, if I acknowledge that this person is good at this thing, that somehow makes me not-so-good at it, too. Which is absurd because one person’s success or character has nothing to do with anyone else’s, but somehow praise feels finite.

Of course the most confident people are also the most humble. They give praise the most freely because they recognize that giving it doesn’t take away from their own power. They understand that there’s enough amazingness for everyone.

And so there’s power in offering compliments generously. Don’t be stingy with praise. When you hold back out of a scarcity mindset, it’s a message to your higher self that there's a ceiling to your potential. Instead, when you give freely to others, it lifts you up too, doesn’t it? I’m sure you’ve had this experience.

It’s cliché, but it’s also true: “It’s in the giving that we receive.” This mantra holds power, it elevates all of us to #abundancestatus. We start to feel like it’s possible to do more, be more, have more when we give freely.

On graciously receiving praise from others

This is the harder part, right?

My friend Jen Sinkler, founder of Thrive with Jen Sinkler, has a most popular blog called, "Unapologetically Strong" where she puts "us" as women on blast for being unable to easily accept praise and compliments with grace and appreciation.

She wrote:

"At your next opportunity, eavesdrop on any conversation occurring among a group of women, and specifically listen for the downplaying of any compliment given to one another. Once you know what to look for, you will hear it, over and over again.

Instead of just saying ‘Thank you,’ we will say, ‘Oh no, this old thing/you’re just being nice/it’s just luck/etc./etc./etc.-motherscratching-etera.’ It’s part of the social script we are given at an early age, and you know what? It’s total bullshit."

I have to agree. And in fact, I don't think deflecting compliments and shirking ownership is self-deprecating or humble. I think it's just straight-up awkward and even insulting to the person giving the praise.

Most of all, when we belittle our own value--even if doing it to appear humble or selfless--we are sending a message to our higher self that we don't matter and we aren't valuable or worthy.

And you know what? Words have weight. They mean something. They show up later in our self-assessment, whether conscious or not. We are subtly affirming (or not) our own value.

So next time someone gives you a compliment, practice accepting it gracefully.

People won't think you're egotistical. In fact, they'll be relieved that you didn't make them sit there trying awkwardly to convince you of your own worth for 5 minutes ;)

These are the reasons that I believe compliments are the gateway to learning to appreciate our bodies. They are the affirmations that we subtly give to our higher self that we are worthy and adequate and amazing all on our own, whether or not we ever lose those 10 lbs or get that six-pack.

Perception Of Self

per·cep·tion

 noun \pər-ˈsep-shən\

: the way you think about or understand someone or something

: the ability to understand or notice something easily

: the way that you notice or understand something using one of your senses

Yesterday was my 41st birthday! I woke up early to roll out of bed and hit bootcamp for 6 am. I was a sweaty shaky mess when it was over and I loved it. I took the class with my friend SL. The trainer complimented her a few times on her muscle gains etc. I was happy for her and wondering what I looked like. I felt like I appeared to be a chunky, out of shape mess.

After bootcamp I ate breakfast, rinsed off and went to do a Pilates class when my friends TS and CS. I don't normally do 2 a day workouts but my birthday seemed a good day to punish myself. LOL! Pilates was challenging in a different way that usual for me. Slowing it down and using only my body for a workout was cool. I had a spot right in front of the mirror and every single time I bent or moved my core ALL I could see was my midsection fat rolls. It kind of ruined the class for me, I'll be honest. I felt really uncomfortable with my body and what I was seeing. Took me to a crappy place in my head.

Later in the day I was chatting with TS about life etc as usual. I sent her this message "Ugh. My rolls were grossing me out at Pilates". She replied back with "Um,actually I was going to say you are looking fabulous. Today you had tight fitting gym clothes on and you looked so lean and toned."
I found this interesting as she then stated that she felt like she looked gross as well. I, on the other hand, thought she was looking lean and mean. It made me think about perception of self. Clearly neither of us are seeing ourselves as the other sees us.

I've been told a million times in the last few years "I wish you could see yourself the way I see you". I never really got it. Seems a nice thing to say when you are blowing smoke up someone's ass. Not to say that my family or friends would do that. Til now, I've never really gotten it. It never hit home. 

So, my question for those who read this is....how DO you see yourself the way others see you? How do you take the crappy thoughts you have about yourself (body, life or any other nagging negatives that sneak in) and push them away so that you CAN see the good things that others see? I'd love to know how you all do it and how you feel about this particular topic. :)

More Thoughts On The Journey To Self Acceptance

So yesterday I decided to step on the scale for this first time since October 12th. I was shocked to see that I've stayed right around my normal weight but that my body fat % had gone down and my muscle percentage had gone up. Yay on that. Not sure how much I believe a scale but it was encouraging none the less. I started thinking about my body, my life and my workouts.

I had previously mentioned to you all (I think) about the hydro-static fat measuring test I had an appointment for on the 13th. I started thinking about WHY I wanted that test. Does it truly matter what my percentage is? Does it make me stronger or faster in my workouts? Nope. Does it make me a better Mom or wife? Nope. Does it gauge anything other than the amount of fat that I have so I can use it to start worrying about numbers again? Nope. I called this morning and cancelled it. Having that test done goes against what I'm trying to do with accepting myself as I am in every stage of my life. Who cares what my body fat % is! I've decided I don't.

At this stage in my life and in my athletic training, I do NOT need to get back the numbers game again. I don't need to start freaking out and tracking every single calorie I've eaten. I've been done with tracking for a few months now and I've maintained nicely even with half marathon training and some health set backs. This tells me I DO know how to eat. I know how to tweak my intake up or down based on what my training goals are. I need to trust myself on this.

I woke up this morning and realized that I DO NOT have to plan anymore long distance runs for the next month or two. I felt relief. Total and complete relief. My knee is pretty peeved today (though I still hit boot camp this morning) so I need to get it addressed. I have a suspicion that my issues are from weakness and/or over use and that I'll require physical therapy. It's cool though. I'm ready to have it dealt with and to focus on getting faster for my shorter races. Lots of strength training planned over the next month or two. I'm pretty excited to get back to that. I've missed the iron more than I can explain.

Race To The Flagpole Recap

So, today I had my half marathon that I ran to raise funds for JDRF. After being unable to run for the past 2 weeks I was feeling VERY under-trained and ill prepared. I was VERY happy when my friend EB said she was going to sign up to run it too a few days ago.

Got up around 545..15 minutes before my alarm. Came downstairs to eat my usual yams with almond butter and to drink a small glass of OJ. Got dressed, got my gear together and hit the road to pick up EB. We arrived to pick up our bibs with plenty of time to spare.

The race started on time at 8:30am. I had no time in mind, just wanted to finish without having to walk. We started out at a fairly quick pace and settled down into a chat pace soon after. The course was lovely. We went up a nice slow incline then ran past vineyards. I enjoyed chatting with EB and cussing when I saw each mile marker sign. I realized quickly that we were the 2nd and 3rd females of the group. We had to stop once for me to remove a leg strap that was causing chafing. Another lady ran ahead so I insisted we pass her. Stopped around mile 7 for a quick bathroom break and the same lady got ahead again. Also insisted we pass her to keep our places. ;)

Around mile 9 my leg started complaining and I started feeling an unpleasant rub on my big toe of the left foot. Kept going. The last part of the race was mostly unpaved trail. It was a little unpleasant on my knee and I almost rolled my ankle a few times. Mile 10 came along and things went downhill quickly. Every time my right leg came down I got hit with shooting pains up past the knee. I had to slow way down.

My energy really started flagging too. I had Honey Stinger chews but they didn't really help. Around mile 11 the lady who was behind us got ahead again and I didn't have anything left to pass her. I kept telling EB to go get her so she could finish 2nd. She's a good friend and refused to leave me.

I was cussing, whimpering and yelled out a time or two when the pain hit me hard. I would NOT walk a bit of the race. That's not what I set out to do. I limp ran across the finish line with a time of 1:58:46. Honestly that was WAY better than I'd anticipated. It's a good six minutes slower than my PR but still not bad for being hurt! She was 3rd of the women and I was 4th. She got 1st in her age and I got 2nd in mine. No medals but we have the glory of knowing.

I'm wiped out, gimped up (don't even ask about the Texas sized blister on my big toe) but happy that I completed what I set out to complete. I raised $324.50 for Team Blake's Buddies due to the amazing generosity of my friends. :) Couldn't ask for anything more. Thanks friends for helping me out and for supporting me!

All in all it was a decent race. I'll run the shorter distance next year.

Pros--
Lovely course
Finishers medals for all runners
Coffee at the finish but sadly it was all gone
Nice volunteers
Plenty of aid stations with water
Decent snacks with organic raisins, fresh fruit and such

Cons--
Course marking was a bit spotty
No age winner awards

Taking A Big Step Back and The Future Game Plan

So. Here I sit..taking a forced rest day yet again. My body is wiped, my knee is jacked. I have pain from the knee cap all the way into my calf. I feel it when I walk. Haven't run since last Tuesday's boot camp. I was feeling really tight after my race last Sunday with some knee pain. Nothing new. I did a recovery run on Monday. Only 3 miles but I pushed the pace too much. Come Tuesday my right leg was already super duper sore. I went to boot camp anyway and pushed as best I could. By the end I was in hella pain. Ended up walking/limping home afterwards. By Tuesday night I couldn't cross my right leg in front of my left without crying out in pain. It hurt SO bad. I woke up Wednesday with a stomach bug AND a jacked leg. Think my body was asking for a break or what?

I took 3 days off from training. Stomach thing kicked my ass hardcore. Leg still hurt by the weekend but it wasn't bad. Saturday I went to the gym to lift. Even barbell push presses hurt my leg. Bad news huh? Sunday I rested again. Yesterday I wanted to run but my leg was still achy so I did a short bike ride then came home to work core. Today I wanted to lift but woke up so wiped out I can hardly move. I don't know what's going on! :( Trying to honor my body asking for rest but this sucks.

My half marathon is in less than 2 weeks. I KNOW I won't PR. Hell, at this point I'm hoping I complete it without having to walk. I've NEVER walked in a half and I don't intend to do it now. Fingers crossed a little more rest gives my leg time to heal. I really need to get in one more long run but I don't know if that'll happen or not. I may limp run the whole thing but damn it, I'm going to finish it regardless.

I've been thinking about my fitness level lately. I've taken a frustratingly big step backwards and I'm not sure what's going on. I've lost my mojo...my energy is poop and my body isn't strong like it was. Working out is my xanax and I'm feeling really depressed that I can't hit my workouts like I normally do. I feel like a failure. Silly I know but it's the honest truth. I feel like I'm letting myself down. Letting my friends down. I feel like not having the fight in me to push push push is a sign of weakness.

Distance running isn't my thing anymore. I said it after my last half and I knew it going in to this one. After November 8th, I'm keeping it to 10ks and 5ks...training runs less than 1 hour. I'm faster that way and I like it. I love trail running too so I'll try to incorporate more of that into my life.  My little bit of muscle gain I made has been eaten in to. Bye bye round squat booty. Bye bye little bit of ab definition. I feel jiggly and yucky. Nothing fits. My leg is jacked.

Yep...pretty sure body is telling me it's done. Back to hitting the iron hard and heavy.  I DO have a 15k in January but I"m not worried about training for that. As long as I keep my running up at least once a week, I'll be fine for that race. I also have a half in March. I may downgrade to the shorter distance...I'll gauge that come end of January. For now, it's time to get back to doing what makes ME feel good.

I have signed up to have my body fat % checked on November 13th. I'm pretty nervous and I KNOW I won't like the number I hear BUT it'll give me a REAL baseline of where my caloric needs should be. I've always had to guess and it's been too much trial/error for me personally. There's also a body fat shred boot camp at my gym starting up November 10th. I'm contemplating doing it. It's 5 days a week BUT I want to talk to the trainer running it about my goals (gain lean muscle mass) and see if it's really for me or not.

So, that's where I'm at right now guys. Busted up, frustrated but at least I have a game plan for next month! I'll be turning 41 soon and I plan on kicking middle age's saggy ass. ;) Keep on keeping on peeps. Do what makes YOU happy.

Tarantula 10k Recap

This morning I ran another 10k trail race hosted by Brazen. I didn't feel like I was well fueled (damn you Friday wine tasting and not stellar food choices) and I woke up with an icky belly (thanks dried mangoes). I woke up around 530, got dressed, got my gear together, ate some yams with almond butter and drank a small glass of OJ, got the kid and hubby up, used the bathroom 27 times and we were off.

The race was located at Los Vaqueros Reservoir. Didn't take long to get there and in true Brazen fashion parking, bib pickup and the whole shebang was like a well oiled machine. The kiddo was doing a 100 yard dash called the Spider Scramble. He started at 7:35 am and ran his little butt off. He came in 4th overall and was tickled to get his own finisher medal. I think that boy of mine might be ready for a 5k again soon...a fast paced one. ;) 

Ran into my fellow running club buddy RC. He was doing the half which had some MEAN elevation. He was doubting his ability to do well too. Funny how we do that to ourselves. We watched the half folks take off and cheered them on their way. Then it was the 10k race time.

My group started at 815 am and was right on time. I got in the front of the line as usual and put my music on. I opted not to wear my heart rate monitor nor did I turn on my Strava running app. I just wanted to run with no pressure again. We started off and I have to be honest here, I struggled the ENTIRE 6.29 of this race. My legs were sore and my body was exhausted. I fought with the desire to walk more than I care to admit. 

Lots of men flew past. One female took the lead pretty quickly. She was 16 years old I think? Ahhh youth. Another female passed me but she burned herself out pretty quickly. I caught up on a hill and kept on going. We had several decent hills. NOTHING like my Drag-N-Fly race but today they felt even tougher. I walked a little but tried to run as much as I could even when I felt like I was running with stones tied to my feet! The total elevation for this race was 694.

I hit aid station 2 and saw my fellow running/workout enthusiast EB. Her smile and cheering me on helped perk me up when I was already flagging. I looked back a few times during the race and saw that one other lady wasn't too far behind me. The competitive side said "You'd better move your ass a little faster!" So I tried to.

I was so damn happy to see that finish line! Seriously. My official time was 58:19. I came in 20th out of all the runners (man, fast people), 1st in my age group and 2nd female overall. I was excited to get another age group medal AND I got a certificate for some free socks at the local running store. Whooo! I had a few other runner's club peeps running the various distances and I think we all placed. Way to represent y'all! 

Pros--
Well organized
Fun snacks
Free kids' run
Finisher medals
Age group medals
Top 3 finisher certificates
$5 tshirts from other Brazen races
Lots of bathrooms


Cons--
Not many GF options on the snack table besides fruit and chips (again, that's always the case though)

Sharing The Pain And Friendship

I know some folks are annoyed or sick of seeing the sadness posts on facebook. I'm sure one or two have even said some mean things about Sedi and him just being a cat. I understand. If we are not friends enough for you to share my feelings with then perhaps YOU should make the call to remove me from your friends list. I'm good with that. I don't need a wide circle of friends just to have a big list. I want to surround myself with people who care about me and who I care about as well. That's fair. You guys know who you are. No need to read any further...the rest of this post is for true friends......

I've had so many people contact me and tell me that they've shed tears over Sedi's situation and over my sadness. I didn't intend to make anyone else cry nor did I do it for the want of sympathy. I just felt like I wanted to share the reality of it all. I blog about and talk about my fitness struggles, I share my joy and worries on facebook with friends so why should I not share this too.

I have had so many people doing kind things for me and for my family. I'm overwhelmed with gratitude over how much support I have. I wasn't expecting anything. I didn't share for attention. What I got back from sharing our story was more than I can even put into words.

I'm amazed at how many of my friends love their pets as deeply as I do. That says a lot about the character of a person's soul in my humble opinion. To love so deeply and to mourn so honestly...it's what makes us who we are. Thank you friends. Your kind words have made this easier to deal with.

Fly On My Sweet Angel

Yesterday was the crappiest day in the history of my almost 41 years on this planet. It was the day I've been dreading for years. It's the day I knew would come but that I wasn't expecting to see so soon. Yesterday sucked big hairy stinky sweaty balls in fact.

Tuesday evening I contacted Dr Vanessa to let her know that I was concerned Sedi was taking a nose dive pretty quickly. He'd started drooling all the time, wasn't eating hardly at all (not even the various canned fished I offered), was withdrawn and looked very disoriented. He was suffering and it was awful to see. She was supposed to come at 330pm yesterday but she rearranged her schedule and let me know she'd be at our house around noon.

Hubby got up early and spent some tearful moments with Big Sed. He ate a little tuna and gave Hubby headbutts of love and even purred for the first time in days. When I got up he was back to hiding under my son's bed looking totally out of it. I spent some time laying on the hallway floor with him after I managed to coax him out. He was clearly feeling like shit. We got the kid out the door after he said his goodbyes.

Sedi came downstairs and I hand fed him some leftover salmon. He ate a bit. I offered him some milk out of a bowl that I held for him. He enjoyed that too. Afterwards I had to wipe his chin like he was an infant. Killed me to see my proud Lion-Boy so unable to attend to himself. Around 10am I managed to convince Sedi to get on the couch with me. We took a peaceful, blissful 45 minute nap together. I saw him truly relax for the first time since Saturday. He was content. I was content too. That meant the world to me.

My boy after our nap. I'm going to miss that smirk of contentment.

Around 1115 I printed out and filled out the paperwork the vet had sent to me. I broke down and could hardly speak in coherent sentences to Hubby. This shit was real ya'll. When the vet arrived at 1155 we were as ready as we were going to be. She went over the process with us. She made it all as easy as it could possibly be. Sedi was hiding under the covers of our bed (as usual). She told us that she could easily do the procedure there. If that's where HE was comfortable being then there was no need to bring him elsewhere. She wanted to make sure it was as stress free for him as possible. She even sprayed herself with a feline calming spray.

We went upstairs and I put my hands on him while Rhett held the sheet up to block Sedi from seeing Vanessa. She didn't talk as she knew he was fearful of strangers. She gave him the sedative which took a few to hit him. In true fighter fashion Sedi tried to run off. I wrapped him gently in my arms, laid down beside him and held him to me so the sedative could start to work it's magic. He was scared and it killed me. I kept kissing his head and telling him I love him. I reminded him that I promised to NEVER let anyone hurt him and I wasn't about to go back on that promise. He relaxed and she gave us time to say goodbye. I laid his head on my pillow and I never let go of him. I kissed him a million plus times. I apologized over and over again. I told him thank you for the love he'd given me, thank you for the love he'd given all of us. I sobbed. I shook.

We told her it was time and she injected the final medicine. She warned us that he might give one final gasp. He didn't. He drifted off easily and quickly like he'd been waiting for it and welcomed it. She let us know he was truly gone. They both gave me a few minutes alone with him.

I kissed him a million more times. Admired his gorgeous fur. Held his little paws as he'd let me do so often. I tried to soak up every ounce of love that I could from him while I still had him with me. I put my head to his chest and for two seconds I let myself believe I still heard his heart or felt a breath. I thought "What if he's really not dead? What if this is a scam and she's some crazy person who sells peoples pets to labs so they can experiment on them?" Rational thinking so obviously was NOT happening at this point.

I wrapped his body in the lovely blanket she'd provided. Hubby offered to carry him downstairs and I refused the offer. I held him as close to my heart as I could. Vanessa said I could carry him out to her car which I did. I placed him in a little bed that she'd provided in her backseat. I kissed his head again and hugged Vanessa. We talked about the cremation center and all the details surrounding that. This was truly the best way we could have opted to do this for our fella. No stress of taking him to the vet. No eyes of strangers watching us as we cried.

We walked inside, closed the front door and I promptly collapsed on my hallway floor. I wrapped my arms as tightly around myself as I could while sobs that I couldn't control came from a place inside that I didn't know existed. I felt like I was going to shatter into thousands of pieces if I moved. I finally got up off the floor and talked to hubby. I know it was just his body that was left but the thought of someone else taking my beloved boy away from me was more than I could bear. It's still driving a knife into my heart as I type this. I wanted him to be here with us. Alive, breathing, yelling at me for food, laying on a book so I couldn't read it.

I hardly recall anything after that point. I know that at bedtime I held tight to the pillow that he was resting on and I cried myself to sleep. This morning I thought I saw him on the cat tree when I got up and the tears started anew. I've cried on and off for the 4.5 hours I've been up. I don't know when the tears will stop.

I've lost loved one like grandparents before but I've never lost anyone that was a constant in my life every single day for so long. Grief is something that I've not experienced before. The sadness, the loss comes out of nowhere...like a tidal wave! It knocks me down, leave me sobbing and I can't keep it contained. I thought I'd take it to the pavement and run this morning but I'm too tired. I feel....defeated I guess is a good word. Broken and defeated.

Time will move on and things will get easier.  I know that my best buddy has found a big piece of brand new carpet to rip to shreds and an ever flowing supply of treats. He's at peace now and someday, I will be at peace with that too. For now, I cry, I rage, I hurt. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe it won't. I put one foot in front of the other and keep on moving. That's all we can do right? Thanks for being a part of this journey friends/family/blog readers.

Decisions Have Been Made

After I published my post earlier Hubby and I had a long tearful talk about Sedi. He's drooling now. His eyes are looking wonky. His fur is matted and he's hardly even eating the canned tuna that tempted him yesterday. My once regal lion of a cat is fading fast. I see that and I know what the next step is.

Hubby called the vet who provides in home euthanasia. His voice cracked and he started to cry as he left our details for her to return his call. He said it made it even more real that this is happening. She called us back and he chatted with her for a bit. We were hoping she could come early tomorrow morning right after the Kid goes to school so we'd have time to get our shit together before we pick him up at the end of the day. She can't come til 330pm. We'll deal.

We've decided that we are going to have Sedi cremated and his ashes returned to us. I ordered a lovely lotus flower urn to put his remains in. I've said for years now that Sedi will remain with me til I die, then we'll be scattered off a mountain together. I wasn't joking.

We talked to the Kid about what's happening. We ALL think it's best that he's not here when the procedure happens. I have an amazing group of friends, several of which stepped up to offer a play date after school tomorrow. My friend T is picking him up after school is out to go play with her clan. That'll buy us some time tomorrow to do what we need to do.

Tonight is going to be a long night. I'm going to allow myself to feel whatever I need to feel and to react however I need to react. I'm going to miss the shit out of my old fella and that's all there is to is. For now, I'll cuddle him as much as he'll allow. I'll let him eat all the canned fish he wants to eat.

Hold your pets a little closer tonight my friends. Give them extra love and cuddles. Tell them you love them. Tell them that an amazingly wonderful kitty is going to earn his wings tomorrow. That's all I got y'all. Til next time.

September 13th, 2014 before he started going down hill