Joy Thief

Comparison is the thief of joy my friends. It's really truly is. I compare myself to others all the time. I even compare myself to myself! Happened this morning actually. Hubby and I ran a 5k this past weekend. I ran it to support him and it was fun. Got the pics in this morning. Saw this one--

My first thought was "what an awesome pic"! My second thought was "I look so happy". THEN...the third thought was "holy shit. Look at how fucking HUGE my middle looks!!" Let's not forget the huge dinner out Saturday night too..we threw down.  I've really been dealing with some stress gain. We decided to move to WA, buy a house and completely change our lives! All this within a couple of months. I've been stress eating (sugary crap) and drinking way more than usual. It's packed it on in my trouble zone. I know it. I hate it. I'm embarrassed to be out in public.  Got all dolled up for my date night Saturday night and was on the verge of tears all night. I felt SO gross. All I could see/feel was my stomach. :( I've resorted to walking around in yoga pants and hubby's shirts.

I look back at pics like this one from 2013 when I was really skinny and I'm upset with myself. Angry that I let myself "get this way".

But why? Get what way? Stronger? Less obsessive about food?  Was being super skinny something so special? I was small yes. 110 lbs I think?  I was fast yes (I'm still fast when I train to be) but I was weak. I was run down from all the cardio. I tracked every single calorie that went into my mouth obsessively for TWO years. I learned a lot but it was exhausting. I still had extra flab? I still wouldn't be caught dead in a bikini!

Been thinking alot about dietary stuff and how impacts the boy. Know what's funny? I ate what I wanted (in moderation of course) when I was smaller. No off limit foods...I had wine once a week with hubby. I had nutella and pretzel thins. I wasn't into "clean eating". Just less crap and making good choices. I didn't over do it because I allowed myself those treats without overdoing them. Interesting. 

So, Sunday after the race hubby and I went to town on some donuts. I haven't had donuts in like 1.5 years at least. I didn't crap myself or die. Pretty excited about that. They were tasty as hell too! Been working on adding gluten back into my diet. Pretty sure I MADE myself intolerant to it by cutting it out when I went Paleo. I'm not diving head first into a bread basket but it's cool to know I can eat it without pain now!  

Know what happened Monday morning? 

Boom....deadlift PR. Been trying to hit 200 pounds on my pulls and I FINALLY did it...3 times 1 rep each. Know what else happened? 

Yesterday I hit 300 lb leg presses for 10 reps. I'm good with that. I feel accomplished and strong. (Let's be honest I'd REALLY like some obvious guns. I find that to be the most frustrating part to train right now. I think my form is shit and I need help but my awesome trainer moved and personal training is $$$$$!!!! ) That's another story-- anyway--

I just read an article here that really made me think hard about my goals..I loved it. I want to live this way-- I want to FEEL this way about myself. 

http://coconutsandkettlebells.com/dont-want-six-pack-abs/

I KNOW the amount of stomach fat has nothing to do with what kind of person I am blah blah blah. But this article is about fitness and body stuff so that's why I'm focusing on it. I guess I have no real rhyme or reason for this entry. I just needed to get out the way I'm feeling. And I needed to say to myself and anyone else struggling-- 

DO NOT COMPARE YOURSELF TO ANYONE ELSE (even your old self)! Comparison IS the thief of joy my friends. Embrace the now in your journey. You have this moment... this very moment  only once in your lifetime. Do amazing shit with it no matter if you are at a high or low point in your life.