No Booze Day 5

Day 5 and going strong. No night sweats for the past 2 nights, less woozy, clearer thinking and more energy....WHOOT! I've been enjoying kombucha or bubbly water (trying out several new brands) at night in my wine glass with dinner. So far so good.

I just had to turn down an impromptu happy hour with a good friend. That was really hard. I could have gone and just had bubbly water BUT I don't think I'm feeling quite that strong yet. Learning to say no in social situations is def going to be a big challenge for me. I've realized I often use booze as a way to connect with people in my life because I tend to talk more and open up more after I've had a few. I've also realized I started drinking more often as a way to try to "deal with" some stresses in my life. Didn't' really help at all in hindsight.

I'd mentioned in my last post that I was going to come up with a list of things I can do instead of drinking when the urge hits. Figured I'd share it here.


Things I can do instead of drinking booze--

Have booch or bubbly water in a fancy glass with fruit added
Try a new mocktail recipe
Take a walk
Go to garage to do some skill or mobility work
Library trip
Go visit a local park
Dance party!
Play with pups
Grab a good book and go read
Take a hot bath
Look for recipes on pinterest
Contact a support person
Journal
Put that $10 I'd spend on beer into a travel fund!

That's my quick update for now! More to come in a few days.

No Booze Days 2 and 3

Hi all. Decided to report in every couple of days on the no booze challenge.


Day 2 was fine. Nothing super exciting to report honestly. I had bubbly water in the sunshine instead of a beer. Went to bed with a headache but I'm pretty sure that had nothing to do with no booze. I also got super woozy while at the grocery store in the morning for no real reason. Annoying! Can't wait to figure out how to make this particular issue stop!


Day 3 WOW! Last night was the first night in a long time that I've had ZERO night sweats! I slept decently and dreamed for the first time in a long time as well. Woke up this morning with some pep in my step. Dinner plans include kombucha in a wine glass so I feel like I'm having a beer with my burger. :) Decided to think about what sort of things I can do instead of having a drink. Came across this and liked the ideas. I'm going to sit down tonight when I can focus and make my own personal list!

Booze Break

It's been a while since I've blogged. Lots going on so I decided to sort out my thoughts here and share my most recent journey.

I've been dealing with some health issues. I'm pretty sure my 45 year old female body is starting to deal with "the change" as some of us call it. I've been woozy, fatigued, gaining belly fat, foggy brained and dealing with night sweats. My primary dr is sending me to the cardiologist to see if my Mitral Valve Prolapse has gotten worse. Based on the way I feel and on my research, I think it's text book perimenopause symptoms. There are certain things that make the symptoms worse and sadly, they are things I enjoy. Booze, caffeine and spicy foods. I can tell you 1000% fore sure that alcohol is most certainly a trigger now. If I drink, I'm guaranteed to wake up at 2am sweating like crazy AND the next day I'm totally hit with all the other symptoms I mentioned a few lines up. I've also noticed lately that drinking is more of a habit for me than a rare occasion treat. I can't seem to stop once I get started and I don't like that way that makes me feel. I feel like it's a huge part of my life socially and in trying to connect with people in my life....but I have to STOP for my own health. So, for the next 30 days I'm going to go booze free and document my journey here. I have one event (good friends visiting from CA in a couple of weeks with a brewery stop) where I'll probably have a beer or two and that's only if I'm feeling like I really want to and know I can without going overboard. No more "oh it's sunny let's have a beer" on a Tuesday evening. It's going to be very difficult to stop...it's built into my life. Wish me luck! I'd love to know techniques you all have used to stop drinking if you too have had issues with it.


Today is day 1. I drank a bunch of beer last night...1.5 at a friend's party along with a shot of bourbon but then when I got home, I kept going. Beer in the sunshine solo then another at dinner. I woke up this morning feeling like shit and was totally woozy. My poor belly is SO bloated. I wasn't going to workout but I made myself get out there and do it anyway. Strangely enough one of the only things that helps me feel less crappy is getting a workout in. Some days I have to drag myself to the garage gym where I literally lay on my mat for 10 minutes giving myself pep talks. I'm watching hubby drink some tasty IPAs I left in the fridge for him. NO part of me wants any. I think I'm truly ready to try this challenge. This is the way it goes though. In two days I'll really be struggling to stay on the sober bus. That's just the truth.

My Story

Elle asked me to post before and after photos. I figured I'd include my story too since I'm home today with some spare time. 

I grew up in the deep fried South. Most of my family is overweight. I was lucky enough to be average size most of my life. I recall my Mom yo-yo dieting pretty much all my life. My Dad was a regional salesman for a music company so he was on the road travelling a lot. He had a pretty unhealthy diet and was quite sedentary. My mom has heart issues and has had two knee surgeries. Both due to weight. My Dad was diabetic and lost all his teeth before he passed away from lung cancer a couple of years ago.  

When I was little we'd go on road trips. We'd visit national parks and such. We'd always find the closest parking spot and walk just to the areas that were easily accessible. No hiking or real work put into seeing the sights. I was never into being an athlete at any point in my life. Physical activity wasn't something that was important. 

After the birth of my gorgeous son in 2006 I started to slowly put on the weight. I went from a size 8 up to I'd say around a size 14 maybe even 16 within a few years. It was gradual and I noticed it but then again I didn't. We went out to eat all the time. We too were fairly sedentary. We'd take our son to play or to take walks but never spent a lot of extra time being active. I recall trying to join the local YMCA when my son was around 1. The trainer I met with at the time made me feel so utterly awful about myself that I refused to step foot back in there again. 

In 2011 I participated in a 5k WALK with friends. I remember it taking about a hour to complete. I remember thinking all the runners passing me were batshit crazy! 

This wasn't me at my biggest. I shyed away from the camera and was the one taking most of the photos. Here's a rare glimpse post hike...of which I huffed and puffed my way up hills. 

Shortly after this I found myself hooked up to heart rate monitors in my doctor's office after having chest pains and erratic heart beat. I was scared. I looked at my hubby and said "I have to change. I'm following in the footsteps of my parents." I started paying attention to the food we ate. It took around 6 months more before I decided I wanted to try working out. I started with Jillian Micheal's DVDs in my living room! Me and my little pink baby weights were BFFS several mornings a week while my guys still slept. I dedicated myself and started seeing/feeling results. 

I started using the apartment fitness center cardio machines and turned into a cardio queen. I LOVED the big burns. All I cared about was a lower number on the scale. I dropped down to about 105 pounds at my lowest. I had a friend mistake me as a tall child from behind. Grossly enough, I was excited by this for a while! 

I took up running and got super into it fast. I found out I am actually not a sucky runner! FINALLY! Something I was good at! Running is still a great love of mine...I just know that when I start upping the mileage, I start losing my gainz...anyway..jumping ahead here...sorry! 

I ended up feeling puny all the time. I decided I want to try putting on some muscle. I fell in love with weight lifting. I found out I'm a VERY hard muscle gainer. Keep in mind, I was still running all the time on top of lifting. I kept this up for a few years. Saw my body changing. Felt pretty good. 

We moved to WA a couple of years ago and I decided to finally try crossfit. I never found a box where I felt like I "fit in". I always felt like an outsider. I also was still running/training for races and I hated that the wods were kept secret til the day of. It was hard for me to plan my training around their programming. I stopped going to the box. I'd still hit some wods with my girlfriends in their garages when I could but mostly I focused on typical gym rat lifting/running. 

Fast forward year before last. I went from hitting my deadlift PR and running 6 miles without thinking about it to not being able to walk my kid to school...all within a couple of days!  I got hit with adrenal fatigue and had to take some major time off. I did gentle yoga and walking...that was it! Everything else exhausted me and left me totally tanked. I was pissed off and scared! It took about 6 months before I could even attempt lifting or running again. 

Recently I started gaining weight again. Woke up one day and was 135. I'd gotten really lax with my eating and even though I was still training, I was packing on the fat. Started tracking my macros several months ago. Here's a recent photo....Thanks for sticking with this long ass story if you did! 

Meal Delivery Services Green Chef

Continuing with the exploration of dinner delivery services I decided to try out Green Chef. I had a code for $40 off which made this more affordable. Everything is organic and they work really hard to pack/ship in a sustainable manner which I appreciate. I opted for the Paleo box because after last week's vegan carb fest I was feeling bloated and not interested in a bunch of grain/beans/legumes.

Upon arrival (yay UPS!!) and opening of the box I immediatly noticed the packing materials. Wowza...compostable lining..super dope! Everything was cold and very fresh.

I really liked that the ingredients for each recipe were in paper bags! 

Decided to try out the Cod Piccata,Endive Salad, Lemon Caper Sauce with roasted veggies first. The card was easy to follow and well made. The produce was top quality as was the fish. Hubby swooned over this dish! He has a thing for capers. 

Next up I made the Thai Steak Chard wraps and OMG! These were SO good. I did have beer with them so I ruined the whole Paleo vibe but whatever. The flavors worked so well together and the freshness of the produce really shone through. Yum! 

Last up I made Jerk Chicken with Roasted Sweet Potaotes and Collard Greens with Raisins. Now, if you know me at all, you know I'm NOT a chicken boob fan...like at all. I will have to say, these came out so tender and juicy. I had no problems wiping my plate clean. Hubby agreed it was amazingly delish! 

Green Chef Paleo has been my fave of the two we've tried thus far. I love the packaging, I love the quality and I felt energized after eating these meals instead of tired. Of COURSE it's also one of the priciest plans we signed up to try. $98.94 for 3 dinners that serve two adults...they charge $9 fee (included in that price) for shipping which I think is lame. It's still cheaper than going out to eat though and the dishes were REALLY good. 

Meal Delivery Services- Purple Carrot

So, I've been in a rut lately with cooking. I don't feel like doing the thinking, shopping and prepping for cooking healthy meals. The result is we've been going out A LOT which has been awful on the budget and on my body. I decided to try out a few of the dinner kit delivery services. I thought it would be cool to share my thoughts with you all in case you were curious about them too!

First up I tried Purple Carrot. My lovely friend Jackie gifted us a free box. Thanks for that! I decided to go with their TB12 Performance Meals. They are higher in protein, gluten free and have limited use of soy.

One strike for them right off the bat was the delivery service they use for my area. I can't stand this company and have not had good experiences with them EVER! My package finally showed up at 830pm, was basically tossed on to my porch with no knock or alert of arrival. Grrrrrr!

Upon opening the box I found the items inside to be nicely packed and still cold. The recipe cards were well done and everything you need for each recipe was packed in a clearly marked bag.

I decided to cook the Socca Pizza first. The recipe was easy to follow and we found the end results to be very tasty! It was supposed to be one serving for two people but neither hubby nor I could finish it all in one sitting. VERY filling!

Next up I made the Jackfrut Tacos al Pastor with Pineapple Salsa and Zesty beans. YUM YUM AND YUM! We both really enjoyed this meal. Def thumbs up. Jackfruit is delish and a great meat sub when shredded. Hubby wanted to make sure I was going to be able to eat the leftovers so they didnt' go to waste. This one was def his fave!

Lastly, I made the Thai style cauliflower with mint and sticky rice...OMG! It was SO good. Hubby was out of town so I enjoyed this for two different meals. It was better fresh but still tasty as left overs. I really liked the way the flavors came together and it wasn't as hefty feeling as the pizza was!

All in all I really liked these meals. I did find them to be VERY high in carbs though. I think one was like 100 plus grams for one serving. Yikes! I thought the recipes were creative and well thought out. I thought all the flavors worke really well together too. Total cost for this plan for 3 dinners that serve 2 people is $78 per week. Seems steep but if you think about what you'd spend on dining out at a legit vegan place, it's really not bad. I enjoyed not having to stress over dinner!

Unplugging

 I've been feeling pretty anxious and "off" lately. I've had a hard time putting my finger on what exactly has been causing the feelings. We had some money stress but have put a game plan into place and are seeing great success (hooray!). Learning to say "no" or "I don't really need this thing" has been tough but we are already seeing the benefits so I know it's not the finance stuff. Things have settled down with the kiddo and the bullying crap he was dealing with so I know it's also not that. I've been moving my body as best I can and have stopped trying to push myself to be at a different level of athleticism than I am now..I mean, I ALWAYS strive to do better but I'm honest. I'm never going to run 7 minute miles like my friend "Little K". She had to slow down so much to run long with me that it hurt her legs. That's kind of depressing and humbling for me but instead of beating myself up over it, I'm just saying "Sorry...it's where I'm at right now. Let's run short runs together instead". I no longer make myself drag through workouts because I feel like I "have" to. If I need a day off, I take a day off. I'm excited for hiking weather to be coming up and have plans for a hiking blog. :)

 Life is rolling along and there wasn't anything glaringly obvious to me until last night. See number 4!!!

 I found myself scrolling through various Instagram accounts and was feeling envious/anxious/discouraged over the way my life is. I was thinking about how maybe if I ate this certain way I'd be leaner. Maybe if I ran this certain way I'd be faster. Maybe if I lived this certain way I'd be happier. It all left me feeling empty/depleted/confused. I love that social media exists for us to share our lives but sometimes it's all just TOO much for me. I'm going to take a social media fast for a little while. At least a month. Maybe longer. I think I'll update my blog every week or two just to keep in touch but I'm deleting instagram, facebook and even pinterest from my phone. I'm going to keep facebook open so I can touch base from my computer once a day (so my Mom won't worry) but that's it. I want to cherish the life I'm living, not look at someone else's life and idealize it to the point of feeling like mine is boring or somehow "wrong".

That's all I got. See ya'll when I decide to update again. :) I can be reached via text, FB messenger or email if ya need me.

Know Your Body

 I've worked so hard to learn to listen to what my body is asking for with regards to fuel and movement. I spent about 2 months leading up to Christmas ignoring the fueling part of that by eating crap and drinking like it was my job. NOT good for me. I decided that another Whole 30 round was the way to go. I needed clear, solid guidelines on how to eat. The first week was typical...ups and downs. This second week has been pretty good. I'm sleeping better (no wine induced night sweats), my weight is down (almost 6 pounds of bloat), I don't have mid-day energy slumps and my mood is better.

 BUT today, on day 16, I've decided I'm done. Why you ask?  Because the restrictiveness of this eating style is making me really really stressed AND because my stomach feels like shit. I haven't been able to make myself eat all the meals I've made. I've spent countless hours, dollars and energy learning what's right for my body. High fat, lower carb doesn't seem to be making me feel as good as it does for some. I know that eating the same stuff over and over again leads to my body reacting negatively to those foods (nuts, garlic, certain greens). My nose rash is back. My stomach has been hurting. I've done Whole 30 at least 5 times in the past few years. I know what I react to. I don't feel like I need to cut out items that aren't an issue for me.

 My body was begging for something besides meat, fat and veggies. It's been begging for 3 days and I've kept ignoring it. I realized that this sort of behavior, ignoring my body's demands for healthy fuel, is ridiculous! It's what I wanted to get away from! It feels like too much of the "all or nothing" mentality I don't want to subscribe to in my life. What I really need to work on is my relationship with food and drink. I need to be able to make good decisions for myself and to listen to when something is too much or not enough. I can't do that when I'm following a plan like this.

  Yes, I love Whole 30. I do think it's great when you are trying to learn what sort of typical American diet foods might be issues for you. I think it's great when you need a reset. I just know, right now, it's not what my body needs most. Yes, I could push through and see it to the end but I don't think that's the right choice for me right now.

 You do you! I'll be here eating the most amazing bowl of Sheep's yogurt, raw honey and crap free Maple Pecan cereal. I just heard my body sigh with happiness and I feel like, though I just worked out a couple of hours ago, I could go run right now. That's telling me that I'm making the right choice. :)

The Secret Ingredient

“Anybody who listens to their intuition risk at times making other people disappointed or even pissed off because you're not tending to what they want from you but instead to what feels right for you.”
― Maria Erving


Yep, it's been a hot minute or two since I've had the energy to blog. I've had a total log jam for a while. Since I started my healing process back in September (oh, there's a BIG blog post coming about all that at some point) I've been asking myself what I've been missing. I've felt like something was lacking but could NOT put my finger on it.

For Mother's Day I got a much coveted (and not so subtly demanded) gift certificate to Oly Float. It's the local sensory deprivation business. Up until now I've been scared to try it because being alone with just my thoughts for 1.5 hours while floating buck naked in a crap ton of Epsom salts and water in the dark was a little frightening. Since I've been working on managing my stress/anxiety and have developed a much more zen attitude (yes, really!), I felt like I was finally ready.

As I got into the water, the only thing I wanted to ponder was one question that had been nagging me for months. I asked myself "Body, what do you need to be happy, healthy and whole again" then I closed my eyes and concentrated on the nothingness that surrounded me. I won't go into detail about my experience but let's just say it was some trippy shizzle! I smiled, I cried, I healed as I floated. When my time had ended I sat up and got my bearings. As I sat there, a word came floating into my mind and echoed throughout every fiber of my being....TRUST.

I sat in the lounge area after my float and thought about what "trust" meant. For years, I've not trusted myself. I've chased this diet/eating style or workout because so and so said it was successful for them. I've ignored my own body and mind to the point of a huge adrenal crash because I thought what worked for others MUST work for me. It started out with eating all the protein because I started weight lifting, then it was doing a "bulk" phase, then it was eating hardcore Paleo and so on and so on. It's now to the point where I am stressed about food (and I semi- binge because things are labeled "bad" or "off limits").

I recently decided I don't care what anyone else says...You don't eat bananas? That's cool, I happen to LOVE them on occasion! You don't eat meat? That's ok, I like it (but a lot less of it than I ate because I thought I HAD to). You eat Paleo only? That's cool, I happen to feel ok about eating grain on occasion. I've started holding foods in my hands and deciding if I feel like eating them...I've asked my body if it wants said foods or not. I've had cider/GF beer in the sun on a warm sunny day more than a couple of times and you know what? I feel great! Am I a size 2 anymore? Nope and I don't need to be! I am able to workout again. I'm running with my kid a couple of times a week. I have energy again! I feel capable, strong and good. I'm working hard to figure out WHY I'm emotionally eating/binging and I'm still working hard on loving my bigger body as it currently is today but that's all a long process. I'll get there though it might take a while!

Interesting how the secret ingredient I've been missing has been within all along! Do you trust yourself? Like REALLY trust yourself to know what you need/want? Do you listen to your inner voice that tells you yes or no? Believe in yourself my friends...listen to what your body, mind and soul are trying to tell you instead of letting all the outside influences get into your head and sway the way you do things!

Sugar...Why You Make Me So Crazy?

Howdy everyone. Long time no blog. My thoughts have been a swirly, twirling, jumbled up mess and I FINALLY have a little clarity so I figured now is the time to write it all down.

For those who don't know, I got taken down and out with Adrenal Fatigue. So severe that I couldn't even walk my son to school and back. I went from a deadlift PR and running 8 miles without thinking about it to being flat on my ass in a matter of a couple weeks. I'm still working on healing my body. It's been a long process. I've cried out of pure frustration SO many times the past few months. It's been a serious rollercoaster to say the least.

Essentially my body can't do stress. We all know how much stress comes in on a daily basis...stress from life, stress from emotions, stress from hard workouts (I'm limited to gentle yoga and walking right now...anything more wipes me out for a few days) and stress from eating poorly. I've been working with nutritional therapists to get my health back. I found out I have sugar handling issues and some digestive system issues as well. Holiday season is a ROUGH time for those, let me tell ya!

Truthfully, I've not being doing a stellar job of following my food protocol. My new NT wanted me to address the emotional ties I have with food especially treats. I was to the point where I was starting to binge. One cookie turned into 6 which turned into a "screw it,eat all the crap day" which turned into a "screw it weekend".  So taking the "good" and "bad" label away from foods seemed to be a fine place to start. I was putting way too much stress on myself (remember what I JUST said about stress being bad?) worrying about how  food will impact my blood sugar/health. She told me "if you want to eat the cookie, eat the damn cookie...without the guilt and the shame you've attached to it". She didn't want to me to go restrictive on food like doing a Whole 30....She didn't want the trigger foods to be "off limits". I loved the idea and she even gave me a supplement to help keep my blood sugar more stable for when I eat a carb filled meal/treat. So far it's worked pretty well. I'm STILL having issues with eating ONE DAMN COOKIE though....which brings me to the real purpose of this wordy blog post...

When you see this pan of homemade cookies, what is your initial reaction?

Are you the person who will eat a cookie or three and be done? Or are you the person who will eat several then keep eating them every time you walk past them in the kitchen even though you are not one bit hungry? Are you like "meh whatever" about sugar? Or is it your vice like it is mine? I can't seem to NOT eat the sugar stuff when it's in my house...even with the new thought process about nothing being "bad" foods. I can't NOT binge on the damn cookies and treats. My saving grace before was that I worked out all the time so I could eat the treats without seeing too much impact. Now, not so much. We won't talk about how quickly the pounds are adding on my petite frame.

I FEEL like crap...I look like crap...but the way I feel is SO much more important. I know the scale does not define what kind of person I am but, I worked hard to get healthy....I don't want to continue down the path I'm on! I know health isn't' about my pants size BUT I also know that visceral fat (belly fat) is the bad stuff. When I see that starting to build up, I know I need to make some changes.  But how to do that without restricting?

Sugar is bad for adrenal issues..drinking and processed foods are also terrible. I know that my NT didn't want me to do a Whole 30 type deal BUT I think for me personally, I need a game plan. I feel like saying "I'm doing a Whole 30" gives me willpower I don't, for whatever reason, seem to have otherwise at the moment. I sat down and chatted with hubby about it the other night. I'm going to enjoy my holiday weekend with my guys but I think come next week, I'm ready to get pretty serious on my health.

I really want to get my energy back. No amount of supplements or stress reducing yoga/journaling/walking/mindset change is going to help me if my diet is full of things that do harm to my body. I know it won't ALWAYS be this way. And I know once in a while I'll go grab a beer with a friend or have a treat with my guys and I'll enjoy the heck out of it because it'll be a ONCE in a while thing. I don't want my relationship with food to be an all or nothing kind of deal. Trust me. I hate that way of doing things BUT I'm feeling pretty powerless on making changes otherwise. I start the week with the best of intentions....this week I will have a treat or two and that's it. This week I will drink one time...etc. Then life takes over. I try not to "reward" myself with food. I'm not a puppy. Its just really hard to say "one and done".

I feel like I'm babbling at this point so thanks for still reading if you are. If you've deal with similar issues, I'd LOVE your replies, wisdom, advice, rants etc. I'm feeling really uncertain over what the best course of action for me is. I just really want to FEEL better in my body, in my skin, in my mind and in my life. I have an appt with my NT next week and I think we still have SO much to address.